[Updated December 17, 2019]
Shit happens, people. For a lot of us bottoms though, it is something we like to avoid at all costs...
Even though we all know, tops and bottoms alike, that there is bound to be a little mess when it comes time for butt-stuff, we still want to do everything in our power to avoid a mudslide.
That's where anal douching comes in. A lot of us bottoms are very self-conscious about unexpected deliveries from the chocolate factory, and the only effective thing we can do is get in there and make sure there are no unwanted guests lurking where the sun doesn't shine.
But it's important to make sure we are doing it safely.
As bottoms, our assholes already take quite a bit of abuse for such a sensitive part of our anatomy and there is no sense in making that situation worse.
It is with this in mind that I've thrown together this list of ten ways you can anally douche safely. Let's have a look!
Use The Right Liquid
This is super important, guys! Our anal lining is extremely thin and porous, which allows all sorts of toxins to easily enter the bloodstream via the anal wall. This means that we have to be very careful about what we put up there.
It's fine to douche with tap-water as long as it is only very rarely, but any more than that and you could be putting your health at risk. Tap-water contains all sorts of extra stuff you wouldn't want to enter into your system, everything from fluoride and chlorine, to unwanted electrolytes and calcium.
If you are planning to anally douche regularly, you are going to want to use "normal saline". You can make Saline by combining 1 cup of purified water with 1 teaspoon of pure salt. Never use a liquid that isn't water or saline and always make sure the water is no warmer than your natural body temperature. The lining of your anal cavity is far more susceptible to heat than your exterior skin and internal burns can be very painful and even deadly.
The Right Tools For The Job
Don't just go filling up any old bottle with water and squeezing it out up your hinder. As I have stated previously, the lining of your anal cavity is extremely thin and susceptible to damage. This is why it is super important to use a tool specifically designed for anal douching.
Just about any online or brick and mortar sex store will have a decent selection of anal douches on offer.
Personally, I prefer the Perfect Fit ErgoFlow Shower for home douching because the all-silicone design is safer and more reliable. However, I also like to have something more portable for surprise hook-ups or for when I am traveling.
That's why I also recommend getting a more portable anal douching kit. I use the Ergoflo Impulse. I've used other portable anal douche kits but this is the only one I've found that truly offers a leak-free design and - if you've had a leaky anal douche kit, you know how important that is!
Don't Go In Guns Ablazin'
Just like pretty much any other time you're going to be sticking something up your ass, you're going to want to ease into it a bit.
Get a little lube on your finger and slowly work it around and massage it in to loosen up your sphincter a bit.
If you just jam the nozzle in straight away, you run the risk of damaging your anal wall which can leave you more susceptible to STI's or common infection. The last thing you need is a huge medical bill or, even worse, continuous medical bills as a result of being too lazy to give your hole a little preparatory attention.
I almost feel like this one goes without saying, but here I am saying it anyway. We all know how unpleasant and potentially dangerous it is to penetrate our holiest of holies without a little anti-friction juice.
Again, going in dry with your anal douche can lead to damage of your anal wall which can leave you susceptible to all sorts of problems including increased risk of STI's or common infection.
Don't skimp on the Gunn Oil no matter what you're cramming up there!
If you’re worried about the water-based lube washing away too quickly and leaving you high and dry, you might like to try a lube with a different base. Sliquid Naturals Soul would make an excellent choice because it uses an oil base that contains a few ingredients that really help out by keeping the skin of your anal walls elastic and well-moisturized.
Enough Is Enough!
You don't need to fit Niagara Falls up there, the capacity of your anal douche should be sufficient to get the job done. You're not trying to clean out your entire digestive tract here, after all.
Location, Location, Location!
You're going to want to be sure you are in your bathroom, either close to the toilet or even in the shower.
Start by placing your dominant leg in a raised position, perhaps resting on the toilet, to ease the process of insertion.
Remember to loosen up your sphincter a bit with a lubed finger and then slowly insert the nozzle. Slowly squeeze the liquid from the bulb until it is all where it needs to be and then hold the liquid in by clenching your sphincter.
If you find that you are unable to hold the liquid in, you may want to sit directly on the toilet immediately after the bulb has been emptied to avoid a nasty mess.
However, if you can hold the liquid in, you might want to take this opportunity to jump up and down a few times to get things rolling in there a bit.
Obviously, you shouldn't jump up and down if you have chosen to douche in the shower. Do you really want them to find you dead in the shower with a cracked skull surrounded by anal effluvium?! I thought not.
Don't Overdo It
Try to limit yourself to douching no more than once in a single day, and only about two or three times a week.
No matter how careful you are to employ the proper techniques and use the proper liquid, anal douching still takes its toll on your insides. This can leave you open to both STIs and common infections.
Give It Time
It takes a little while for all that liquid you just shot up your ass to find its way back out, so you're going to want to be close to the toilet until it has.
This means you will want to give yourself time before you have anal sex after douching to avoid running into a worse form of the problem you were trying to avoid by douching in the first place.
I find it's best to give it a good hour after douching, just to be safe.
At first blush, laxatives seem like a great way to get things moving downtown but, really, they can just lead to a worsening of the problem by causing more feces to work it's way down through your digestive tract.
Not to mention the fact that they can cause some rather unpleasant abdominal cramping that is sure to kill the mood should it occur while you're playing.
Be Zen With The Fact That Shit Happens
When all is said and done, no matter how much care you take to stay clean down there, you're bound to run into a little unwanted shit rearing its ugly head.
Try to have a sense of humor about it and don't let it make you overly self-conscious. When you play in the mud, you're bound to get a little dirty!
Finally, our friends at Ending HIV NZ have put together a video on anal douching. Check it out below:
When all is said and done, anal douching is a great way to keep the more unpleasant aspects of anal sex at bay. If done correctly and safely, you should have no trouble staying clean as a whistle for your partner.
Check out this summary chart from the San Fransisco Aids Foundation.
Anal Douching FAQ
Even after all of that, you probably still have a few basic questions. Here are a few common questions about anal douching and their answers.
What Are The Best Foods To Eat For Easier Anal Maintenance?
Your diet has a huge impact on how things come out your South end. If you eat a lot of heavy, greasy foods, you’re going to have way more trouble keeping things tidy than you would eating lighter, healthier foods.
The main thing to keep an eye on is making sure that you are getting, ahem, a buttload of fiber and drinking lots of water. You want a good mix of soluble and insoluble fibers to get the one-two punch of intestinal-scrubbing action and regularity.
What Are The Risks Of Anal Douching?
If done properly and safely, there are few serious risks of anal douching. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t risks, though!
You have to be careful about being super-gentle while your fiddling around down there to avoid damaging your anal lining. Damaged anal walls- no matter how small the wound- are more susceptible to STIs and can become infected by existent anal pathogens. Poop’s pretty nasty and even your own, inside of you, can cause illness if you aren’t careful.
Beyond that, some people suffer from dryness when they douche too frequently. Using an oil-based lubricant with added botanicals or other ingredients that help heal or protect anal skin could also be a good workaround for this problem. Keep an eye out for ingredients like aloe, Vitamin-E, Jojoba, shea butter, and coconut oil, to name a few.
Couldn’t I just Use An Old Sports Bottle Or Something?
I’m not going to lie, I have done this in a pinch, but I still don’t think it should be the go-to method for a couple of reasons. Right out of the gate, makeshift douches made from bottles that aren’t specifically designed for douching aren’t exactly comfortable or easy to use.
Those sports bottle nozzles usually have lips around the hole that aren’t as rounded off as I would like them to be if I plan on shoving them up my keister. You have to be extremely slow and careful using them or you run the risk of opening up an anal fissure.
The other big problem I have with makeshift douches is that they lack some of the helpful features of a store-bought douche. Your Gatorade bottle probably doesn’t come equipped with an anti-backflow valve. That’s something you notice big time once you’re missing it!
In short, you can use a makeshift douche if you want, but you really shouldn’t unless it’s an absolute emergency.
What If I Do Get An Anal Fissure?
Anal fissures sound abso-fucking-lutely awful, don’t they? Well, the good news is that they aren’t quite as bad as they sound. You could push a little too hard taking your morning constitutional and cause one and they are more common than you might think. Don’t get me wrong, the bad ones are awful, but they aren’t usually too much too worry about.
Now for the bad news. The only thing you can really do about them is to take care of them and leave them to heal. That means no funny stuff down there until they are all healed up!
If you need a little more info on how to prevent and deal with anal fissures, this guide should sort you out nicely.