My line of work, gay sex writer, has allowed me a unique perspective and insight into the, ahem, ins and outs of gay sexuality.
My friends know what I do and because of that, speak a lot more freely with me than they might with other "civilians." The one thing I have noticed in these conversations is a strange disconnect between bottoms and tops. From what I can tell, nobody knows what the hell is going on and this leads to frustrations on both sides of that coin.
The tops I talk to seem to be genuinely interested in pleasuring their bottoms but are insecure about whether or not they are accomplishing this goal. The bottoms I speak to are, in large part, full of all sorts of complaints about tops that range from minor peeves like un-trimmed nails, to major issues that affect their ability to enjoy their sexual experiences as bottoms such as overbearing, overly-aggressive tops and the frequency with which they are "left hanging" without getting off.
I chalk this disconnect up to an issue of communication, namely the lack thereof. A lot of tops have trouble getting over their insecurities enough to really talk to their bottoms about what they could do better. A lot of tops I've spoken to also mention the pressure to be "in charge of the situation" and feel that the responsibility of making sure the experience is great lies solely with them. It's also an ego thing, nobody wants to entertain the notion that they might be bad in bed, even though that's not a thing anyone is saying, just that there are ways to be better.
We bottoms are just as much to blame. We need to take it upon ourselves to communicate our desires, as well. Much the way many tops feel pressured to be in control, many bottoms feel pressured into being more passive and submissive. This often leads to us just sort of going with the flow and ending up disappointed. The shame about this is that our partners can feel this and it feeds their own insecurities and the cycle continues.
Well, I say to hell with that! This bottom is on a mission to make sex good for everyone! So, I put together this list of ten bottom-approved lessons that I and my other bottom friends wish every top knew. Implement these tips and you can be sure your playmates of the bottom persuasion will be greedily coming back for more!
"Much the way many tops feel pressured to be in control, many bottoms feel pressured into being more passive and submissive."
10. Clean Up Your Act!
First things first: Hygiene.
Bottoms spend a lot of time behind the scenes making sure they are in tip-top condition for the big game. We primp and preen, anally douche, meticulously manscape and, generally, keep ourselves smelling fresh and clean. We live in constant fear of the "mud monster" rearing its ugly head at the worst possible times and sometimes we even go a little overboard with our hygiene routines. So, it shouldn't be all that surprising that we expect at least a bit of the same from our partners.
Now, I'm not saying all the tops out there are a bunch of nasty pig people or anything, only that I have seen a much greater tendency among tops to let certain things slide because they think they don't have to worry as much about that sort of thing. In any event you will find it much easier to please your bottoms and be confident while doing it if you take the time to clean house a bit.
The most common complaint I hear from bottoms, myself included, is that guys don't consider their fingernails enough. Trim those bastards! Trim them and file them. The reason should be obvious.
Another big complaint from bottoms is sloppy manscaping. You don't have to go crazy down there or anything, just make sure that you're nice and trimmed up and that your at least shaft is clear of hair. We've probably already flossed, so we could do without the extra help in that department if you get my drift.
A good rule of thumb is to groom yourself the same way you'd like to see your partner groomed.
9. Read Your Partner A Bit Before You Begin.
Even before foreplay begins, take the time to read the personality of your partner. Do they seem like the type of guy who is down for some rough stuff, or are they looking for a more tender, emotional experience. If you are really serious about pleasing your bottom, you have to be able to understand how he likes it done.
If you are the type of guy who isn't good at picking up on subtle cues, you might just have to ask. Don't be shy! Your bottom will appreciate the fact that you are trying to attend to their needs instead of just trying to satisfy your own. This , to me, is one of the hottest things a top can do and your studly cache will increase drastically by being open and concerned with your partner's pleasure. This has the added benefit of making your partner more invested in your pleasure, as well. Sounds like a win-win situation to me!
8. Foreplay Is For Everyone, Not Just You!
For some reason, a lot of tops seem to think the purpose of foreplay is to get the top good and hard so he can get down to the business of hammering away. While that might work out nicely for you, your bottom is definitely gonna be disappointed if that's your attitude.
Foreplay is a great opportunity to help get you bottom loosened up, both physically and emotionally. Take the time to explore their body and find which spots are most sensitive and make him quiver with delight and which spots he couldn't care less about.
This is a great way to establish an emotional connection with your partner as well as a physical one. Also take this time to help your partner loosen up downtown. Whether you use your fingers or a toy, try to spend a little time pleasuring your partner's hole to make it more receptive when the time comes for the main event.
7. Make Your Partner Feel Physically Appreciated
Making your partner feel like they are the hottest guy you've ever been with. Whether it's true or not, the ability to impart this feeling to your bottom will lead to a partner who is fully activated sexually, and more invested on a fundamental level in treating you right.
Everyone has little issues with parts of their body that they wish were different than they are. If your partner has love handles, they might be really self-conscious about having them grabbed, for instance. Doing anything that calls attention to some of the "less attractive" aspects of our bodies tends to make us bottom spiral into a distracting inner mindscape that subtracts from our engagement in the event at hand and will lead to disappointing sex for the both of you.
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6. Slow Your Roll!
Many tops, for whatever reason, feel like they have to be intense sexual dynamos from start to finish. This can be nice sometimes but for the most part it can actually be kind of painful. Big surprise: anal sex can hurt if it's not done properly!
If your bottom is all about you being in control, start off with slow, sensual movements to allow him to adjust to you. Try to communicate with your partner and make sure that they're not experiencing pain beyond their limit. Ask them which position is best for them to start off with.
If your bottom isn't particularly invested in being dominated, allow them to run the show for a bit at the beginning. Let them ease themselves onto you in the way that feels best for them and work their way up to some harder, faster action before handing the reigns off to you.
In either case, the idea is to start slowly and sensually and build up to a furious fuck frenzy as the end approaches.
5. A Little Empathy Goes A Long Way
Somewhat in line with the last tip, knowing how it feels to be mercilessly rammed by a guy will probably help to keep you from causing any pain or displeasure to your bottom. Try to put yourself in their place and think if what you are doing would feel great for you if the roles were reversed.
By demonstrating to your bottom that you can be trusted with their body, you will allow them to relax and let go. This will lead to a much more enjoyable lay for the both of you.
4. Let Your Hands Wander
Don't just slide it in, slap your hands on either side of his waist and go to town. Touch your man up a bit while your doing your thing. Run your hands sensually down his back as you slowly thrust into him. Give him a little reach-around action. Play with his balls. Tweek his nipples. Use what you learned about your partner's body during your foreplay explorations to elevate their experience to the next level. They will reciprocate in kind!
3. This Isn't A Porn Shoot.
There are some things you see in porn that simply aren't pleasurable for your partner if you do them in a private bedroom. Just getting back there and hammering away might look good on camera but, in the real world, a lot of that crap just doesn't fly.
Unless you know your bottom is into a hardcore ass pounding, try to switch up the speed and intensity of your thrusts and never, never, repeatedly pull all the way out and quickly slam it back in. That shit hurts like you wouldn't believe.
2. Switch It Up!
One of the best parts about being a bottom is fucking a guy who knows how to guide the situation with a firm but gentle hand. Don't just settle on one position and bust it out like your doing paperwork.
Make the extra effort to guide your partner into different positions. When your getting fucked in the same position at the same level of speed and intensity, your body has a tendency to sort of get bored. Even if it feels good to begin with, eventually it doesn't feel like much of anything at all.
That's why it's important to your bottom that you switch up the positions and angles of entry to keep them interested. This goes both ways. Changing positions and angles will not only feel better for your partner but will also offer you a variety of sensations you would otherwise miss out on by simply choosing one position and riding it out til the wheels fall off.
1. FFS, Make Sure They Cum Too!
Without a doubt, this is the number one complaint that any honest bottom will give you. I can't even count the number of times I've found myself having to reassure some insecure top that it's fine that I didn't get off and that I'm just satisfied that I was able to make them feel good. I'm pretty sure the number is pretty close to the number of guys I've only fucked once. Smell what I'm steppin' in here, guys?
If you want to make sure you get to fuck a guy again sometime in the future, you'd damn well better make sure you give them a reason to come back for another helping of what you're serving up.
Whatever you have to do to make sure your partner gets to where he needs to be, be sure to do it. This is the most basic advice you will need to follow if you really want to be a good lay. It's just common courtesy.
When you get right down to it, being a good top boils down to just a few simple things. Be attentive to your bottom's needs, don't be selfish, and establish an emotional connection as well as a physical one. If you can do those three things, you're well on your way to being the total stud you know you can be!