18 Ways to Become a Dom Top or Bottom

Sex with your man should be at least a little fun and at best a series of intense orgasms. In a mutually sexual relationship, you’re both highly engaged in your sex life which draws you ever closer.

But many guys don’t even know how to express their sexual desires outside the question, ‘R u top or bot?”

Knowing what you want in the bedroom is nothing to be ashamed of, in fact, it should really be celebrated! For some, becoming more sexually assertive can seem like a daunting task, but it can also bring you closer together as a bonded couple.

It won’t happen in an instant sadly, first you need to be taught, there’s a learning curve, but it’s like riding a bike, you’ll remember these tips forever.

It’s nothing about forcing your sexual fantasies onto your man, it’s actually all about communication, like almost anything else in a relationship. You’ll use verbal communication and visual cues to enhance your sexual relationship.

It is absolutely 100% never about forcing him to do something he’s just not down to do. It all comes down to consent, really, if he doesn’t want you to fist him that doesn’t apply only when he’s able to speak (think ball gags).

Sexual assertiveness can ultimately lead to better, more intense sexual experiences.

Learning to be open with yourself and your partner about your sexual desires will give you more confidence in and out of the bedroom.

If you’re looking to be a more dominant, assertive top or bottom, then I’ve got the goods for you, Daddy.

I’m positive at least a few of these suggestions will help you become the dom I know you can be.

1. Confidence is seriously sexy

Half of the game is really about the zhuzh you bring to the table. Maybe you’re a little shy to explain your raunchy kink, but you need to work towards being more sure of yourself.

It doesn’t have to be awkward, I’ve got a few tricks up my sleeve for this specific topic!

2. Work on your confidence outside the bedroom

If you don’t have the confidence in everyday life, then it won’t translate to the bedroom. Look in a mirror every day and say 5 things about yourself, try to do this for a week with new things each day. Get a dry erase marker set and write them on your mirror around your image so that you can reflect on them every day.

Do it naked too, you’ll find there are a lot of things you love about yourself already and others you’ll learn to love through practice.

I know that no one is perfect, but this is a great time to set goals for the areas you don’t love. For me, I don’t love my chest, I’ve been working out, and no matter what I can’t gain size there. I’m shifting gears though and adding a small chest exercise to every workout so I can see the results I’m looking for! Speaking of...

3. Hit the gym

I’m not saying only fit guys are sexy, I personally rock a pasty-white dad bod, if I’m being honest. But exercise releases a lot of feel-good hormones that will brighten your day like nothing else. A regular workout routine will keep stress levels lower and those lovely positive vibes flowing.

If you’re already a gym-goer try a new trainer or a new fitness activity. Just try to be realistic with your goals, you’re not going to become Adonis himself in 3 days, sorry sis. The added bonus to working out your muscles is that you’ll, quite literally, be more powerful in the bedroom.

The best thing I’ve discovered since working out is that I can toss my man around like never before. You’ll be able to physically last longer because your cardiovascular system will improve, too.

4. Pay attention to your body language

Communicating sexual messages isn’t only in eggplant and peach emojis. It’s in how you sit down and get up, the way you walk your walk. Every physical movement you make. Do you know how you portray yourself through your body language?

Watch some movies or even soap operas and see how the macho guys move. You’ll see they have a solid sense of movement, everything they do seems intentional because it is.

They don’t have to be aggressive or mean, powerful movement can be felt in their strong but gentle touch. Elevate your own movement with what you learn from these dudes.

You’ll start to bring a confident sexual aura to the bedroom

5. Love yo’self

Every relationship you’ll ever have starts with you. If you don’t have a good relationship with yourself how do you expect to have a stable and healthy relationship with your partner? That goes for both in and out of your sex life.

Try meditation or positive self-talk and build a positive relationship over time with your mental self and even your physical body.

Working on yourself will allow you to set healthy goals and desires, it will also give you more confidence to voice those to your man

6. Get Educated

Sex-ed in school was too much giggling to really get any points across. You can find magazines and books to teach yourself about sex. You’ll find it really empowering in the bedroom, you could learn a new move or even about how to hit the prostate just right.

Learn about the world of lube so you know which ones to use with what. There’s also a lot you can learn about the male anatomy, from arousal points to general muscle placement for erotic massages.

You can even watch porn together or solo to get even more ideas to take back to the bedroom - l personally love this for finding new things to try in the world of BDSM.

Not everything is going to turn both of you on, but even bringing these ideas to the bedroom will boost your confidence. You’ll be exposing yourself to potential rejection of your ideas and heavily rewarded for the ones that work out.

This way you’ll find a world of new pleasurable activities that you can mix and match to expand on your sexual repertoire. 

7. Improve the ways you communicate

Now, let’s dive into the things you can improve on together. I’m a big communication buff and anyone in a relationship should be too.

All relationships require clear and effective communication, that goes double for your sexual relationship.

8. Take your sexual health seriously

Talking to your doctor and your partner regularly about sexual health is important. Young or old, any dude can get HIV and other STIs, get tested, period.

Gay couples are much more open than straight couples about their sexual health, but there’s always room for improvement. Being about to freely communicate about sex with your partner is part of being in a healthy relationship. It shows that you trust and value what your partner brings to the conversation.

This will build a bigger and bigger layer of trust between you two that allows you to be more confident when you get into new sexual territories.

9. Get talking

You should be super comfortable talking with your partner about sex, at the very least you shouldn’t be afraid of judgment or humiliation.

If that’s the case, you need to take a long hard look at your relationship. Talking about sex has been really taboo forever, so opening this line of communication with your man is all about trust.

It’s not an opportunity to judge each other. Sharing your body with someone means sharing all the good things and the bad, but you shouldn’t ever feel ashamed. Just as you want your man to listen to your sexual desires you have to be open to listening about his wants and needs, too.

It’s totally fine if some of his desires don’t align with your own, but you could give them a shot or two to see if you enjoy it together or mutually decide it’s not a deal-breaker.

10. Explore your body through masturbation

You’ve been masturbating for years, but have you paid attention much?

It’s a great way to get an understanding of what you do and don’t like sexually.

Watching porn can help turn you on and get the job done, but it isn’t realistic and may bring difficult expectations into the bedroom. Try doing the deed somewhere quiet instead, get an image in your head of what you want to explore with your man, and how you want to touch and work him over.

Using just your imagination to get to climax will give you lots of ideas as to what turns you on. You can start suggesting these fantasies to your man and explore them together, this will help create a great transition for sexual activities that might be new to you both.

Indulge in the dominant thoughts, explore how you’d like your man to act as part of your visualization when you masturbate.

If it feels too forced or unlike him then maybe the fantasy is a little too far gone, but you could certainly explore any desire you have this way to see if it turns you on.

11. List out your desires and boundaries together

Communicating your sexual desires is easier to do if you’ve thought them out in advance.

List the things you want to try and the things you are absolutely not looking to explore. Setting boundaries is totally healthy for a relationship and not just for your sexual fantasies.

You’re asserting your desires without getting mean, upset, or even aggressive which will help you progress to a healthy dom.

Keep your list nearby as a reminder for things to explore when you’re getting down and dirty, and also as a backup for when you’re getting uncomfortable.

12. Make use of ‘I’ statements

This is assertive language 101.

Instead of directing the conversation at your man with ‘you’ statements that ultimately put him on the defensive, use ‘I’ statements.

Framing your sexual desires in this way will avoid conflict and keep the forward momentum you’re building.

Clarifying your fantasies in a series of ‘I want’ and ‘I would enjoy’ sexual statements basically hammers out the things you’re looking to explore, the things that turn you on, at least in your mind. 

13. Act on what you’ve learned

You’ve improved your communication and built up sexual confidence. It’s time to take these skills a little more seriously and bring them into your sex life. Trust me, it’s not that scary and it’s very rewarding.

14. Be positive

Try to talk yourself up when things start getting steamy, downplaying your new moves certainly won’t help improve your game. Imagine your perfect sexual encounter, how do you act, what positions do you try, knowing these things in advance will help you smoothly transition to them.

You’ll give off the air that you know what you want and how to get there because you’ve put thought into it beforehand.

Give yourself the approval that what happened in your imagination will play out successfully with your man.

15. Get really into the foreplay

Now that you’re ready for the bedroom, focus on foreplay that avoids each other’s cocks, and really focus on each other’s bodies.

Explore him with your hands and when you’re ready you can take control of the situation. Move his hands where you want them, give him some verbal directions too.

Change up how you’re guiding him; you can explore how firm you want to be with your commands. Before taking it further, take a break and discuss what was and wasn’t working for you both (again, use ‘I’ statements). This is a great way to practice being dominant over him and also get some healthy feedback. 

16. Take a leap

Your exploring a new fantasy, so now isn’t the time for the same old sex you always have.

Try out some phrases from your imagination or the latest porn you watched. Get outside your comfort box and try and be assertive with the desires you’ve outlined. You’ll find that one thing leads to the next and the next, and so on.

True change will come gradually, but if you start with the things you’ve already thought of, you’ll ooze a bit more confidence. Your sexual satisfaction will grow and grow because you’ll feel that you’re actually pursuing the things you want. Just remember not to go into any off-limits areas that you two set out.

17. Perfection won’t come immediately

Nothing is perfect the first go around and chances are perfect sex doesn’t mean the same thing for everyone. Embrace the flaws as areas you can improve because that’s exactly what they are.

You’re not perfect either, right? So, why would you expect a new sexual activity to be perfect the first time? It’s ok to make mistakes!

18. Laughing can be totally normal

There have been plenty of times where sex with my man had us giggling for one reason or another. It could be the TV was left on and a weird bit of conversation made its way past our moans and groans.

There’s nothing wrong with a distraction! If you can’t laugh off the awkward moments, like getting into a weird sexual position, then improving your dominant side will come a lot slower. Being able to make fun of ourselves a little bit helps reduce pressure and build trust and confidence in what you’re doing.

If you take being dom less seriously, you’ll ultimately build up the confidence to rock your sexual desires, whenever and wherever you see fit.

At the end of the day, practice makes perfect. You won’t become the ultimate dom overnight.

It’s about building up to this desire you have, together as a couple, so that you can be empowered and build a closer bond through this experience.