Does this sound familiar to you? You're sitting around a table with a bunch of straight people- usually, after a few drinks have gone down the hatch- and someone gets up the nerve to start asking questions about what it's like to be gay.
Yeah, I thought so. If we printed the things that straight folk do on a bingo card, this would be the free center square.
While it is often easy to get frustrated when our straight friends start asking uncomfortable, often rude questions about such personal issues, it's easy to see why they might be curious. What's difficult to understand for me, though, is how they get the balls to actually come out and ask in the first place.
I have never once asked a straight friend if his wife likes it in the ass, for instance. It seems a bit uncouth, not to mention more than a little dangerous. But that's a whole other topic completely.
For whatever reason, straight people are going to keep asking these questions and we are going to keep being put on the spot to answer them.
Maybe someday they will realize that it's far simpler and a great deal less rude to ask Google about this shit than it is to ask their gay co-workers or acquaintances.
When they do, I hope they find these answers sufficient enough to finally leave us be.
So, Google-savvy straights, here's what you have been looking for! Here are 7 common questions straight people have about being gay answered by a genuine gay guy!
7. How Do You Decide Who Is The Top And Bottom?
I have to give credit where credit is due and say that at least they don't phrase this question quite as ridiculously as they used to. Even as recently as ten years ago, this question would have been: "How do you know who's the man and who's the woman in the relationship?" As you can see, progress has been made.
Well, the answer really depends on a lot of factors and a guy's preference for one or the other often evolves over time.
Many younger gay guys are still tied down by traditional gender roles and fallout from toxically masculine conditioning in their developing years. This leads to many younger guys insisting on topping exclusively to satisfy their sense of male ego. As they mature and get some more sexual experience under their belts, they start to get curious about how the other half lives and begin experimenting more with bottoming. The reverse is also true.
For me and the guys I know, it seems that it's not a hard and fast rule who does what. We tend to play it by ear and go where the action leads us. We have preferences, sure, but are willing to stretch beyond those boundaries.
That's not to say that there aren't guys who insist on one or the other but, generally, we let our preference be known to our partner before the big event and go from there.
If you'd like a more in-depth look at what actually goes into finding that preference, this article should answer any lingering questions you might have about the top/bottom dynamic.
6. Does Size Matter To Gay Guys?
What this question usually means is: Is bigger better? That question's simple answer is "no".
Now that that is out of the way, let's answer the question at face value- Yes, size matters! If you'd like a practical demonstration, try sticking your pinky up your ass and then try to get a can of soda up there. Notice a difference?
Size matters in a lot of ways, especially to people who mainly bottom. Some of us have really tight assholes and anal sex with a well-endowed partner can be a bit of a struggle without some prep work.
We have to learn to relax and many of us even have to train our assholes up to be able to handle anal. Anal stretching exercises, relaxation techniques, and even breath control are just a few of the ways we manage partners who are swinging heavy wood.
On the other hand, a shorter penis might not be able to hit our prostates well enough to cause the desired effect. In those cases, we often turn to sex toys to help bridge the gap.
Yup! Guys can use strap-ons too! Take note, straight ladies!
5. Does Bottoming Hurt?
I think this was partially addressed in the previous question but it bears further examination. The fact of the matter is that, yes, bottoming can hurt. It's really conditional, though.
It's pretty safe to say that the first few times you get railed in the ass tend to hurt. There are a number of reasons this could be true. For one, your first few times are often when you are younger and less experienced and are fucking around with a top who is also younger and less experienced. Neither of you really knows what they are doing or what to avoid. Basically, clumsy anal can hurt but an experienced bottom getting banged by an experienced top will experience some of the greatest pleasure the male of the species can enjoy. So, there's that.
While anal stretching and relaxation techniques can do a lot to mitigate the pain of anal, some of us have bodies that just need a little help to make it through. Guys like that often turn to specialized lubes that help ease the discomfort and pain of anal sex.
Many of these lubes contain gentle numbing agents that dull the nerves for more painless anal. Others have natural relaxing agents like Jojoba oil that don't numb but simply aid relaxation of the pertinent muscles.
If "your friend" would like to learn how to experience painless, pleasurable anal sex, our newbie's guide to painless anal should answer any questions "your friend" might have.
No matter what a bottom does to prepare for anal can make up for a sloppy, selfish top, however. Which brings us to our next question...
4. Does Technique Matter As Much For A Top As It Does For A Hetero Guy?
Fuck yes it does! As I just mentioned, a selfish top who just dives right in and starts thrusting like a jackhammer isn't just going to leave their partner unsatisfied, they could actually injure them!
The vagina evolved specifically for this type of activity and even then, it can be damaged by a careless thruster- Imagine what can happen to an asshole!
The tissues that line our anal passages are extremely thin and susceptible to damage. Anal fissures, muscular tearing, and perforations are all horrific outcomes of horrible topping.
Much of the onus to make sure things go right falls on the top. They need to be attentive to their partner and take things slowly. They have to do the work of putting their bottom at ease and making them feel comfortable enough to relax to the point that anal can be enjoyable.
From what I hear from the straight ladies I've talked to, there's a lesson in that for you straight guys out there. Just sayin'!
3. But... But... Don't you Get Shit On Your Dick?!
Well, yeah, sometimes! Really, this isn't as big a problem as straight folk might think. Basic hygiene takes care of most of the problem because feces tends to stay inside the colon until it drops through our second, internal sphincter on its way out.
If you wash your ass like a proper human being and keep an eye on what and when you eat before the main event, things tend to go off without a hitch.
Even then, many bottoms have an anal cleaning regimen they stick to or employ before they go out to hook up. Anal douches are an essential tool in any bottom's tool kit and proper anal douching tends to keep the brown devil at bay.
Also, if you ask me this question, I may not know whether your wife likes it in the ass or not, but I do know she's not getting it.
2. Do You Get Tested If Your Are Sexually Active?
Shit, don't you?!
1. O.K., O.K., Fair Enough. How Often Do You Get Tested?
That's better! Well, that really depends on the guy. Some of us take a prescription drug called PrEP that is highly effective at preventing the spread of HIV. Taking this drug requires regular testing anyway. Others, whether on the drug or not tend to get tested bi- or tri-monthly because many diseases take time to show up on tests.
For that reason, frequent and regular testing is the safest way to ensure that you haven't been infected with something and aren't putting your partners at risk.
Bonus Question For The Straight Ladies: How Do I Give Good Head?
I don't have a single straight female friend who hasn't asked me this question before. I get it, a gay guy has a unique perspective on this that could be really useful for a straight girl. So, I never mind answering it.
Basically, it comes down to enthusiasm and conveying the message that you are really into what you are doing, which you should be anyway. Honestly, this is a question that should and has warranted a whole article to itself.
If you ladies want to know how to make your man melt the next time you go down on him, check out this complete guide to giving great oral!