Everything in life comes with at least a little bit of stress. It affects each of us in weird ways, but if it impacts your performance in the bedroom, you need to make like Queen Bey and sound the alarm.
After 50, we kind of expect things to be different from our 19-year-old bodies of yesteryear, but your thirties are the true prime of your life and you should be able to enjoy all the naughty activities you want to get up to. Stress can certainly impact your junk’s ability to get hard and perform, which would make any guy stress and worry even more. It can be a vicious cycle that ultimately has you questioning whether you have Erectile Dysfunction (ED), but maybe your johnson is impacted more by psychological factors.
So, what is ED?
Erectile Dysfunction is when you have an inability to keep your cock hard, or even get an erection in the first place. Ok, it’s totally normal if your tent-pitching abilities decline with age, but if it’s happening well before your ‘over-the-hill’ status, it becomes a concern. Many things that cause ED can be quick medical or physical fixes, but about 20% of men have ED related to psychological concerns.
When treating ED, the first thing your doctor will do is try to find the root cause, and remedy that. You may even receive medication in the meantime to help you past any obstructions. There are thousands of websites out there that would tell you they have better goods for this than your doctor, but the reality is that they can’t prove those claims. Prescribed medication for ED requires just that, a prescription. You can only get these medications through an approved process, buying something outside of this is just plain risky.
What causes mental ED?
If you’re an otherwise healthy person, I mean I can condone a weekly cheesecake, you can probably get erections solo or even on vacation with your boo. Then there’s a reasonable chance what you suffer from on a regular basis is mental ED. If it came from a disease or a condition that you already have, then it would be extremely difficult to get an erection at all. Your mental ED could stem from a multitude of psychological factors like:
1. Straight up performance anxiety
Maybe you’ve got a smoke show of a boyfriend you can’t seem to think you deserve. Maybe you’re just too stressed that you won’t tear that ass up like you did when work wasn’t as busy. Whatever stress you bring into the bedroom is going to hinder your performance. This performance anxiety can really stem from a lot of regular life stresses, like low self-esteem, body dysmorphia, or just generally being an Olympic overthinker.
2. On that note: Stress, anxiety, or depression
A busy, stressful life, the Karen’s at the office, even family drama can and will pour into the bedroom. Constantly overwhelming yourself with work or stressing about what’s going on in the world or what’s wrong inside your body is a turn off on its own, but it will also inhibit your physical ability to do the nasty with ya mans.
If you’re a constantly anxious person, this is going to result in the same scenario. All the pressure anxiety, nervousness, and stress that we go through can fester and ultimately turn into depression. Which means, any and every ounce of mental distress will find a way to affect you physically, and sometimes it targets your junk.
3. Deep-seated relationship issues
Maybe you’ve got past trauma or your current partner has been picking fights with you constantly, either scenario could be the reason for mental ED. Hell, even if you think your relationship is drab and boring, it could affect your ability to get hard or even enjoy the intimate moment together. Mental ED can also come from less on-the-nose things in your relationship, like piss-poor communication, endless guilt, or issues long unresolved.
4. An addiction to porn
The industry is built on over-reaching unrealistic expectations, whether it’s about physique or the size of your cock, porn creates an illusion of ultra-fit, insanely hung, fuck-machines in the shapes of men. Letting ourselves get too addicted to porn ultimately helps seeds of doubt creep their way into your mind, making you question if you should even perform let alone if you can. Under that much stress, it’s totally realistic that you wouldn’t be able to perform. That aside, most gay men watch porn, and it’s just not likely to change. Try working towards finding a reasonable rhythm and balance because you could still learn a thing or two, it’s just that moderation is key.
How to get over your mental ED
Basically, your mind is in the wrong place at the wrong time. You’ll have to tackle your thoughts, emotions, and other issues first if you truly want to move past this. So here are some tips to help you do just that.
1. Find the root cause
Being in denial is unhelpful in most circumstances and it holds true here, avoiding the problem is only going to make it worse. Face the issue head-on, it may take some deep diving into yourself or maybe some therapy, either way you need to fully understand the root of the problem. Once you’ve gotten down to the nitty-gritty, you might be tempted to stop there. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to overcome this by admitting that the problem is indeed right there.
2. Reign in your thoughts
If you’re thinking about a big presentation on Monday, you aren’t thinking about the delicious booty in front of you that’s begging for your man-meat. So, it’s pretty much a no-brainer that you won’t be able to get him up. As hard as it sounds, try to let the thoughts of anxiety, insecurity, nervousness, and stress float away like happy clouds. They’re still there and that’s ok, but they don’t have a place in this moment. Focus your thoughts on your partner, the curve of his cheeks or his perfect little nipples, constantly remind yourself to focus on him and your own sensations. A personal tip I’d recommend is to take it slow, but blind-folded. You’ll get better and better at paying attention to the sensations he’s providing you and all you have to do is enjoy being turned on by his exploration of you. Desire will surface naturally, and you can let it take over from that point.
3. Try to set realistic expectations
If porn were real, we’d all be perfectly chiseled and just the right amount of sweaty to be seductive at all times. But that’s just not the case. If you want to live out fantasies, that’s ok, but try and set a legitimate expectation for it. You have a real man in front of you and you should recognize that we are all flawed, but that there is beauty in imperfection. You two still mesh together really well and you can celebrate that again and again. Realistic expectations allow you to be more present, you know things may not go perfectly, just try to take it to completion.
4. Hit the gym
I feel like such a bro for this one, but a regular exercise routine, which doesn’t have to involve a literal gym, won’t just affect your self-esteem. As Elle Woods put it, “Exercise makes you happy, and happy people just don’t kill their husbands.” It’s funny, but there’s a lot of merit to it. Exercise releases endorphins, these endorphins, in turn, reduce stress and anxiety, they’ll even make a good dent in depression! A good workout isn’t something to scoff at, you’ll have all sorts of feel-good juices flowing through your body for hours after you finish.
5. Open communication with your man
Issues that are left unresolved will eventually build up into something that negatively impacts your relationship, and that includes the sexual side of things. No relationship goes without fights or discourse. Fuck, my partner and I have had plenty this week! But you move on and talk about it together. You have to be honest and open to feedback, you have no idea what it’s like to date you, you just don’t, so you have to try to understand your partner’s wants and needs. If your performance anxiety is the cause of your mental ED, open and honest communication with your man will help you get through these issues with love and support. You’ll both be on the same page and your partner might even feel relieved of not being at fault or responsible for your current state.
6. Get some sex therapy or counseling
Couples counseling can help you work through a ton of issues; mental ED is just one. If you’re unable to get some deeper-rooted problems under control on your own, a therapist can really help walk you or both of you through this tricky topic. Maybe you need guidance through a rut or insecurity, either way, they can support you with tips and advice on how to get the spark back into your sex life.
7. Try common relaxation techniques
At the end of the day, a large part of the issue can stem from your nerves. Relaxation techniques can put you in the right mindset to let go of nerves and general feelings of being unwell. Meditation can really go a long way and can heavily impact multiple areas of your life. The common breathing techniques you learn to meditate with are scientifically proven to calm you down, you can give these a try:
The rest is up to you. You have the power to break this cycle, and it’s been inside you this whole time. Stressing out to the point of not even getting hard during a BJ is no fun for anyone and can be frustrating as fuck. Try and curb the worry, at least for a while, so that you can enjoy yourself and be present during intimate moments with your partner. More often than not, you can find the root cause of the issue and tackle it head-on.