Sexless Relationship? Try These Responsive Sexual Desire Techniques

You’ve gone days, weeks, and even months without sex before, and that’s ok. Gone are your ‘Cock Destroyer’ days and your sex life comes and goes, in fact, you don’t even miss sex, do you? That’s a scary position to be in, but it’s perfectly normal.

Relationships all have ebbs and flows, you know this, you’ve been together for years! You know that when you have sex, it’s enjoyable and you two always wonder why you get out of the habit. There’s nothing wrong with you or the relationship, it can happen in any relationship. It’s not unusual for older men, but it can happen at any age.

You’re probably experiencing a fading spontaneous desire, but there’s more than just spontaneity in a relationship, there’s also responsive desire, and it’s accessed differently. If you enjoy sex when you’re in the act, then trying to understand what the differences are between spontaneous and responsive sexual desire will make a world of difference in your sex life.

I’m going to go over how you, too, can make use of responsive sexual desire in a long-term gay relationship below.

First off, what’s the difference?

Spontaneous desire is an urge to have sex that’s driven by your hormones. Basically, it’s when you feel like having sex, you’re in the mood, you’ve got a hankering for some butt stuff - or otherwise, and you act on that desire. I mean, spontaneous is literally in the name.

Responsive desire is in the name, too! Desire comes as a response to physical arousal when it comes to responsive desire. It starts with physical arousal, with your body being aroused, then you warm up to the idea mentally, and desire blooms.

If you find yourself, like many gay men, thinking sexy thoughts if a hot guy walks by or maybe your husband walks down the stairs in sweatpants, and you can’t help but ogle his junk. That’s spontaneous desire. You were stimulated and it triggered immediate desires.

Maybe you only begin the thoughts of wanting sex after sexy time has already begun. That’s totally normal and not ‘low desire’. Your body needs more than just a visual stimulus to get all revved up. You could be in a completely healthy relationship and only feel responsive desire, and that’s completely normal and healthy.

Can you ‘use’ responsive desire in your relationship?

Absolutely! Chances are there are times when responsive desire has already made its way into your sex life. You can make use of this type of sex drive really easily. You and your life partner can and will enjoy regular sex if you take advantage of the benefits of responsive desire.

You can communicate with each other about your goals for this step you’re taking together and ultimately become closer than before. Your intimate moments will feel that much more of a connection because of it. What turns you on, he can stimulate that desire within you? What about for him? Maybe he’d like you to come onto him without hints or clues, and just be straightforward. 

You can use responsive desire to improve your entire sexlife, now, and for the length of your relationship. It’s a skill that you can improve on and over time you’ll both become incredibly more intimate. Your partner and sex life won’t be able to thank you enough!

How can I figure out if this works for me?

Well, by testing it out, of course? It’s not just a boom-shacka-lacka and you’re done kind of thing. You can try it out solo if you're nervous or even single right now, and all you need is a little time to practice. Soon you’ll be an expert and you won’t be able to help but notice your new and improved sex life.

So, how exactly do you start testing out responsive desire? Here are some steps you can take:

1. Actually schedule some sexy time together. Make sure it’s when you won’t be interrupted by obligations or work, no distractions. It’s important to put your best foot forward when trying something new and being able to prepare in advance will help with any nerves.
2. Prepare, prepare, prepare. I’m not talking about douching; I’m talking about whatever it is that gets you comfortable for bedroom activities. Maybe for you it’s about having all the goods nearby, laptop/tv for porn, lube within reach, and, of course, a cum rag for the big finale. If it’s with your partner, it could involve getting on your leather gear or anything else that you two might be into.
3. I’ll mention it again: Make sure you have lube within reach. We’ve all been there; you think you can keep fucking but it’s starting to feel like sandpaper. That’s totally okay, not everyone pours out pre-cum like a pornstar, that’s why lube can always come to the rescue.
4. Make sure you have your favorite sex toys within reach as well. The last thing you want is to have to look for more stimulation when you want it. If you have your favorite dong within reach, you’ll know you have all the pleasure you want at your fingertips. Even if you don’t end up using them, it can be a turn on to know that you could.
5. Have your favorite turn-on available. Whether you like leather gear or maybe you're really into prostate play like me, you can really customize this experience to your favorite pleasures. This is an easy way to ensure this experience goes well because you’ll be surrounding yourself with your biggest turn ons.
6. Avoid setting goals. You want this to be all about pleasure, if you can let go of then need to get something out of this you’ll walk away with a better experience. Ultimately, you want this to be a time when you just experience pleasure, whether that means edging to a big finish or exploring a fantasy you’ve hidden away, this is your opportunity to really dig into your sexual desires.
7. If you’re solo, you can start pleasuring yourself or if your man is around you can have him arouse you in whatever way you enjoy the most. This is a great time to make use of the toys and other things you’ve prepared. Break out the flavored lube or your handy cock ring and really get into it.
8. Last but not least, is to allow yourself to ride those waves of pleasure. Try and stay out of your head and in the moment, this is, again, all about pleasure. Let yourself get off on every single moment of pleasure you’re experiencing. 

Well, how’d it go? Did the physical stimulation spark your desire for sex, did it get your sex drive running? If it did then that’s responsive desire.

Ok, but why did my desire change?

Honestly? It can really be any number of combinations of things. We go through so many hormonal shifts and changes as we age, and just because men don’t go through menopause doesn’t mean we don’t experience some of the things that come with it. A lowered sex drive can be concerning, but there’s much more to the equation than just desire. Your desire can be influenced by your environment, your physical AND mental health, the medications you take, body image issues you may have, emotions and current mood, depression, maybe even just a lack of attraction to your partner or a bad fight, the list really goes on and on like a broken record!

Maybe spontaneous desire doesn’t work for you, and maybe responsive desire isn’t doing the trick either, just don’t feel like you must endure bad sex or even no sex. If there’s a physical cause, a doctor will be able to diagnose it for you. For emotional or relationship causes you could try connecting with your therapist so they can help guide you through any changes you want to make.

I have to be kind of blunt, there’s no magic potion that you can take to get your 20-year-old libido back. Big pharma would love to tell you otherwise, but the reality is cruel like that. A lot of people will tell you that it could be fixed with a new relationship, but that’s not an option for everyone.

Is responsive desire actually enough?

Fuck yeah, it is! Spontaneous desire isn’t the only way to get off and many couples intuitively use responsive desire already. Tapping into an alternative way to access your sex drive is nothing to be ashamed of! Let yourself explore this different forms of sex drive, hell, you might already be more familiar with it than you think.

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Physically arouse your body, whether it’s beating your meat or using stimulating toys like nipple suckers to increase sexual stimulation. You can explore responsive desire completely solo or always with your man, no one’s judging, just enjoy the pleasure. Once you feel yourself getting in the mood more and more, let the desires flow.

By engaging in responsive desire, you can rejuvenate your sex-life and become closer with your partner than ever before. Not only will you get your rocks off, you’ll be more in tune with your sex drive. You’ll be more in control of your desires and needs in your relationship.

If you leave with one piece of advice, let it be this: Instead of wishing, and hoping that your body or mind would react the way you want it to, celebrate those ways that you can get divine pleasure.