It's true; if you look around your circle of friends or acquaintances from the gay community, you'll realize many of them seem to find "the love of their life" once every two or three months. Probably one of those "friends" is yourself.
Three months may not seem like a very long time, but for many gay dudes out there, it's the longest relationship they've ever had in their lives. Does this sound familiar? If every guy you fall in love with looks like Prince Charming to you, and you start daydreaming about your wedding in a Scottish castle, then why does it all die after just a few months? Let me spill the tea and say that it's very probable that you're the reason why. Yeah, it's not him; it's you.
Is it that you're not ready for a long-term relationship? Here we'll tell you 10 reasons why your relationships burn fast and die young.
1) You're idealizing a boyfriend
Remember when I said about you daydreaming about your wedding in a castle? Maybe you don't need a boyfriend to idealize that idea. When you've been single for a long time, you start daydreaming about the idea of a guy that's perfect for you. You idealize impossible perfection, and when you actually start dating a guy, one of two things will happen.
You'll end up disappointed that he's not as perfect as you dreamed your boyfriend to be.
You'll be blindsided as you see him through rose-colored glasses, ignoring how you and he are not compatible.
In both scenarios, the relationship is doomed to sink like the Titanic.
2) You're idealizing a relationship
Movies, TV, and all kinds of media are constantly bombarding us with relationship goals we want to imitate in real life. But reality is not fiction, so we'll never have that perfect romantic relationship we saw in our favorite movie or series. The same way the idea of a perfect boyfriend will end up disappointing us, the thought of an ideal relationship will ruin it all too.
We shouldn't expect a relationship to fulfill all of our needs and expectations. We should still have a life outside our relationships. We should have other friends, hobbies, and outlets to get our needs fulfilled from other sources, taking the pressure off our relationship.
3) You don't know what you want from a relationship
I don't need to quote the complete lyrics of "Wannabe" by the legendary Spice Girls to say that if you wanna be someone's lover, there are some things you have to give. Now the question is: Do you want to be his lover?
Sometimes we go into relationships unsure of what we want from it or even if we want a relationship at all. We might think we want a relationship, like who would want to end up alone in his right mind? But when we think about this, we're probably not understanding what we need to compromise when getting into a relationship.
Have you ever asked yourself questions like:
- What do you want out of a relationship?
- How much can you give?
- What are your priorities within a relationship?
- When can it become too much for you?
- Do you see yourself with this guy for the next five years?
You don't need to have those things clear right now, and you don't even need to solve those questions whenever you start dating a guy. Still, you should be able to answer those questions (at least to yourself) within the first few weeks of dating him.
If you have these things clear, and he does as well, you'll see if you're on the same page to make the relationship last or if you should stop wasting your time.
4) Are you in love with the dick or with the guy attached to it?
Maybe you met this guy, and you both saw sparks immediately, so you hit it off right away, and he gave you the best sex of your life. You may think that if he boned you right, he is the right one, but love and chemistry are not necessarily dependent on one another.
The chemistry between you two will drive you to each other. It will create a sexual explosion whenever you're alone together. That fantastic orgasm will make you release oxytocin (you know, the love hormone) and make you feel like you're perfect for each other.
But the infatuation doesn't last forever. That explosive attraction will not last forever, and then you'll realize if there's something more substantial to your relationship than just getting naked and boning like animals.
5) You have other things on your mind
We've been in that place where we meet a guy who seems to be perfect for us, but he's not ready for a relationship. You may think it's just that he's afraid to commit or that he doesn't like you that much. But not being ready for a relationship is a super valid reason to not get into one, or it'll end up disappointingly.
Now ask yourself this:
- Am I too focused on my career or job?
- Do I still think of my ex?
- Do I have some past trauma you need to deal with?
- Am I too consumed with yourself to care and love for someone else?
If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, then maybe you're not ready for a relationship. There's nothing wrong with not being prepared, there's a time for anything, and possibly your time for love is not here yet. Work on the things on your way first, and then go for the guy of your dreams.
6) You're not monogamous
No, I'm not reading you, and this is not slut-shaming. Maybe the reason why your relationships are failing and why you can't stop yourself from falling in love with one guy to be willing to give your life to another is this: you're not monogamous.
Monogamy is not for everybody, and that's okay. Suppose you're not monogamous, and you keep trying monogamous relationships. In that case, you're forcing yourself into a model that may never work for you. Maybe it's time for you to find other forms of committed romantic relationships that work better for you and your partners.
7) You know what you want but won't compromise it
We said before that not knowing what you want in a relationship is a problem, but being too firm with what you want is also a big problem. Relationship experts say that commitment is when neither of you get what you want, but that's somehow a success.
When you compromise, you understand that the other person has baseline needs that are not precisely the same as yours. Still, you can find a way to meet each other halfway, compromising parts of what you want to fulfill details of what the other wants. You'll never get exactly what you want, but you'll share common ground with your guy, and that balance is the goal of commitment.
8) You keep your options open
Suppose you're dating a guy in a "committed" relationship, and you're still texting your past hookups or even meeting new guys on Grindr (even if you're not hooking up with them). In that case, you're not in a committed relationship for real.
Yes, getting validation from strangers on social media or dating apps is addictive. Also, getting to know a new guy can be nerve-wracking, so you may want to hold to what you know (your ex, for example) or keep your options open in case everything fails. Close all those doors and you'll get out of your comfort zone. This way you’ll be able to give more and to see if the guy in question is really for you.
So, delete Grindr once and for all!
9) You're scared to be vulnerable
If you're scared of the idea of being open and showing your true colors in front of the guy you like, don't feel bad about it. Many people struggle with vulnerability, so you're not alone in here, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't work it out.
If you really want to find someone who loves you just the way you are, then you should take the risk of showing your true self in front of the guy you're dating. Pretending to be perfect, or pretending to be someone you're not, is only going to take its toll eventually.
Be yourself and be honest from the beginning, so you don't end up dating someone who expects something else from you.
10) You're not communicating
We've heard it time and time again: communication is vital. Do you know how many problems can be solved or even avoided before they happened if you communicated right? Half of the issues within a relationship are because of a miscommunication, so maybe you're doing this critical part wrong.
Think about all the other reasons we've talked about. If you communicate, you can get through those issues and find a way to solve them, so they're not reasons to break up anymore.
Get yourself out of your own way.
If you really want to have a long-term relationship with a guy you like, take a look within yourself first. You have struggled in the past to make it last more than a couple of months with other men; stop looking at what made them unavailable for you and start thinking about what made you unavailable to them.
Yes, there's a huge possibility you were doing things right, and the guys you've dated are the ones who checked one or more of the things on this list. Still, if you read the list and one or more of these reasons talked to you personally, you should start working on that aspect of you to get yourself out of your way to love and be loved in return.