5 Tips to Deal with Mismatched Sex Drives in Gay Couples
Even if gay men or men, in general, seem like we always think about sex, that's not true. In a relationship between two men, one can have a much lower sex drive than the other, leading to some trouble. Here we'll tell you what you can do about it.
Have you ever been so horny you want to bang your man's brains out the moment you see him, but as soon as you start kissing him, he's like, "Not now, babe..." and you end up with flustered blue balls? If this has happened to you, let me tell you, you're not alone. Most couples, gay and straight, deal with this kind of problem because of mismatched sex drives and seek help on this issue if they care for the health of their relationships. No matter if you're both hot and young, it's super rare for you both to be in a sexy mood every time, especially in long-term relationships,
Having mismatched libidos can be a deal-breaker for many men. Being constantly rejected by your partner when you want to have sex with him can develop self-esteem issues. On the other hand, feeling constantly pressured to have sex when you're tired or not in the mood can create resentment that will deteriorate the relationship.
However, having different sex drives doesn't mean you'll have to break up as you'll never work out together. A person's sex drive can evolve with time; you can confirm it's true if you're in a long-term relationship. So, if you stay in your relationship and work through this, you'll see it was worth it and discover new sexual dimensions with your man.
5 Things You Can Do to Deal with Mismatched Libidos
1) Understand it's utterly normal on almost every couple.
When you start dating a guy, it's normal for you to want to have sex with him. Everything's new; his body, the way he touches yours, his kisses, his taste. So, even if your sex drive is not really high, the sense of novelty makes you want to have more of him.
However, as time passes, it's normal for a couple to start experiencing new things, new kinds of connections. Your dynamics begin to evolve (sometimes for better, and sometimes for worse), including sex. So if one of you has a naturally low libido, sexual activities will be more and more scarce with time. Even if you used to have a high libido, it could go lower and lower as time passes, and you get used to not having sex.
You'd find it surprising how many couples seek help online when they're dealing with this issue. While some men's libido can be naturally low forever and others can get softer with time, other men's sex drive always remains high; there's where trouble can come for couples.
If both men have a high libido, it's okay. Same as both men having a low libido. What matters is that they're both comfortable with their sex dynamics. But those scenarios are super rare; most of the time, you'll have different kinds of sex drives, and when one wants sex while the other doesn't feel like it can bring some trouble.
Most couples have disagreements in bed. There are times when one wants to try something new (a sex position, a kinky practice, a threesome), and the other is unsure about it. One of the most common disagreements teams has about mismatched libidos.
This issue doesn't mean you have to end things, especially if you love that man and want things to work out with him. It doesn't mean either that you have to make your libido lower or that he has to have sex with you even if he doesn't want to. There are things you can do to fix it through communication and compromise.
Listen up, many couples have succeeded on this issue, so you guys can too. The first thing to do is understand that this is a normal thing that happens to a couple and that (as Katy Perry said) It's not the end of the world.
2) Give yourselves space and time for self-pleasure.
I still don't know why we see masturbation as something lonely people do, and partnered people are free from it as they have "someone to give them a helping hand." Masturbating is a healthy activity you can still turn to, especially if there are moments where you're aroused and your partner isn't (which, again, it's totally normal).
Putting all ridiculous myths about masturbation aside, sex experts say that masturbation can be some kind of a cure for mismatched sex drives. If you both integrate masturbation into your daily dynamics, it can affect your libidos and balance them. Sexperts doesn't mean it as a solution like "If he doesn't want to have sex with me, I masturbate and problem solved."
Masturbating can help your brain get used to consistent arousal and make you crave more pleasure and orgasms more often, including partnered sex. While masturbating can be a way to relieve tension for those with a high libido, it can also help their partners boost their overall desire. So, if you both masturbate, you'll be jerking off towards common ground on sex drives.
Masturbating together can be a sexy experience as you watch straight into each other's eyes (and bouncing balls), getting ready to cum. You can do it together, or each on their own, as you prefer it. If your low libido finds this activity too intense, it's okay for you to ask for space and time to do it alone.
You can include sex toys for this activity and make it even better, whether together or alone. If you have a low libido and your partner decides to use his sex toy to masturbate instead of bothering you, understand that we won't replace you with his dildo; he's respecting your decision to say no. That goes both ways, so let your man go ahead and give pleasure to himself on his own; it'll be beneficial for both of you.
3) Erotic content can be helpful.
Porn in any of its forms (video, comic, literature, audio porn) can be a way to boost libido; you just need to learn how to consume it and how to use it. Porn can be tricky territory, especially for someone with low libido, as some men think porn does nothing to them. However, erotica is made to arouse us, and special content is made for everyone's taste.
If you have a low libido, you need to open your mind and let yourself explore the world of online erotica. I can ensure you you'll find something you'll like, and once you do, you can use it as a tool to boost your sex drive by combining it with the previous idea.
Consume erotic content while masturbating alone or with your partner as a way to boost arousal. Maybe you can be watching porn while your man sucks your dick or gives you pleasure in other ways. Just remember, porn is fiction, and it's fantasy, and it has nothing to do with you and your man.
If you don't like porn videos, you can always check other forms of erotica. Try audio porn and cover your eyes as you let yourself be stimulated by sound and touch. You can check out an erotic Japanese manga (hentai) where you can find a variety of styles and body types. If you like skinny, boyish characters, look for "yaoi," or if you prefer big, muscular, and even chubby men, "bara" is for you.
4) You can Try Limit-Setting Styles of Sex
Having a low sex drive doesn't mean you never want to have sex, right? Sometimes it means you are not in the mood, but not entirely not in the mood either. If your partner wants to have sex, but you're up to doing just certain things, you need to be honest, and he can compromise and go for what you're willing to offer at that moment.
Maybe your partner doesn't want to have sex because he overate and doesn't want anything going into his body in any way. But he sees your hardon and is in the mood to jerk it off as you kiss for a while; maybe he wants to try his new masturbating toy on you. Perhaps as he's doing that, he feels like he wants to suck your dick too.
What a man's up to can change from week to week, day to day, or even from one instant to the next. That's completely normal and the reason why you need to communicate how you're feeling. If things change while you're doing it and you don't feel like it anymore, or you decide you want to take it to another level as you get aroused and want to try something more, say it.
If some things are off-limits by the moment, you need to be precise. The point here is that sex needs to be comfortable and pleasurable for both of you.
5) Consider getting external help
No, I'm not talking about opening your relationship or getting a third party to fire things up. Many couples dealing with mismatched sex drives end up breaking up, or worse, cheating on each other trying to find someone who matches their libido. Still, couples can solve this problem with help. There are thousands of certified experts, therapists, and coaches dedicated to health and wellness and, of course, sex issues in couples.
If you tried other things and didn't help, consider the professional aid of a therapist or counselor. Keep in mind that they can suggest trying something you'd never believe. You just need to do a little research to find the perfect doctor or coach who can help you and your man.
Sex doesn't need to be what society tells us. What works for one couple is perfect for them, and no one can tell otherwise. If consent, communication, and affection are present, there's no wrong way to have sex, to boost your libido, and to improve your sex life with your man.