Obviously, a lot of us go through breakups, some people have multiple breakups every year, some others have multiple breakups in a single relationship!
Not too much of a stretch would be to guess that you, too, have gone through a breakup. No one can truly avoid the shitty experience that is a breakup. But I’m here to help.
Below is basically the what not to do list of a breakup.
Constantly talking about the relationship gone by.
I’m not saying shut yourself in and never talk to anyone about him or the relationship. Talk to friends or a family member, even your therapist. That’s all healthy.
Over-talking is the big issue here. When you’re going through a split it’s so easy to grab anyone and everyone who will listen. I’ve worked and a cashier and a bartender for years, I have been trapped by countless people venting their issues and I can say without a doubt that breakups are almost a constant topic.
Most people aren’t doing this because they want more people to know their dirty laundry, they do it because they want the validation. In reality however, no one is going to be able to do that for you, except for you, yourself.
Don’t become the broken record in your friend group, try to be self-aware of how much you’re bringing this baggage up. No one wants to be a burden to their circle of friends. Venting is ok but limit yourself to the right friend and the right time. Maybe don’t try to bring it up after every shot of tequila at the bar, instead, have a private conversation with your friend about how this is affecting you.
Of course, your closest circle of friends should know you’re going through a breakup, but try not to reach for additional ears, Tina at work doesn’t need to know. Try to disperse the bad energy without dumping on people who can’t really provide any help.
Holding on to the past and refusing to let go
Just because your ex was a big part of your life before doesn’t change the fact that you are your own person. In fact, they may have shaped a lot of who you are today. Don’t be afraid to shut the door on the relationship. Acknowledging the growth you experienced in that relationship is healthy, but obsessing over the end of it won’t get you anywhere.
I know I’m one to remember only the good out of any given situation, it’s how our brains are designed, actually. But try not to forget the reasons the relationship ended; the bad parts are where we can likely grow the most from. People tend to get upset that they’re losing all these good things that happened in the relationship, but you’re also losing the bad parts. Whether he was a chronic smoker or would bitch about your friends, try remembering the reasons why the relationship ended.
The saying is “There’s plenty of fish in the sea,” for a reason. Don’t hold onto the relationship because you’re afraid you’ll never find someone who loves you again. Chances are you’ve learned a bit about yourself in this relationship and the next man is likely to love you in a way that’s more aligned with what you want in life.
Develop a healthy mindset around why the relationship ended. Was he a party animal who just wouldn’t stay home and cuddle on the weekends or maybe it broke off because you two just didn’t have the connection you thought you had. Relationships always have a reason for ending, accepting it is the biggest step towards closure.
Holding onto an ex is not a personality, especially not a very date-able one. Allow yourself to get out there and let go of the history you two had. The only thing that should hold you back from a new relationship in the age of dating apps is taking the time to find the guy that’s good for you.
Running away from the pain and emotions
Running is a healthy exercise activity but running away is not a good way to deal with your emotions. The pain and emotions surrounding a breakup will be with you everywhere. There’s no sense in trying to pretend like it doesn’t exist. Sure, it might feel like the best option because it’s easy to distract ourselves and avoid the pain. With the plethora of headless torsos on Grindr it’s also not hard to look around!
You’re only going to prolong how long you need to heal from this flop of a relationship. Picking at the scab that is your former relationship is only going to keep the wound open longer. Taking the time to treat the trauma now is going to allow you to continue to grow.
Trying to push away your emotions is not going to benefit you in any way. Being upset is totally normal, it’s expected, healthy, and warranted, but it’s not your entire existence. Take the time and space you need, watch some awful rom-coms or cheesy hallmark re-runs and cry it out.
By not processing the breakup you’re simply going to bring the baggage into your next relationship. In that next relationship you’re only going to be bringing unnecessary anxiety and awkwardness which would likely push your new boo away.
Reliving all the what-if scenarios.
This isn’t Alice in Wonderland, you don’t need to dive down every hole you see, especially emotional wormholes about your past relationship. All you end up doing is telling yourself a happy little fairy-tale full of delusion. Ok, maybe it is a little Alice-y.
If, if, IF! Pretending that everything would be okay if you just did that one thing isn’t helpful because you wouldn’t be the current version of yourself if you didn’t make those decisions previously. You justified the decision at the time and that is more than enough reason to move on. Whether you coulda/shoulda/woulda is irrelevant, you can’t solve past relationship issues with 20/20 hindsight. Your relationship had real issues for one party or the other and that’s why you broke up.
Contextual and situational what-if’s lack the broader, big-picture view. Following through on the what-if thoughts by questioning a little further can help you re-wire these notions. Whether or not you went to his friend’s wedding isn’t going to change that the relationship is over. You can move past the question by acknowledging that maybe the plus one request was too early, and it made you uncomfortable. That is okay and makes total sense! Quite frankly, I hope you weren’t broken up with because you wouldn’t go to a wedding - that’s just such a silly excuse.
Try to remedy your thoughts and only dive into each rabbit hole once, limiting yourself in this way will allow you to seek closure. Try writing down the thought cycle in question and see if it has any validity on paper. You’ll soon realise things really wouldn’t have been better and the relationship just wasn’t met to be, and that’s OK!
Stalking your old fling on social media
For the love of everything Cher - DO. NOT. DO. THIS!
I’ll be honest, I have the willpower of a dog staring at a steak. I will cave on my diet if anyone so much as mentions cheesecake. But I can leave a b**** on read like no one else.
You might think it’s harmless at first, and it probably feels good to see that they’re not tagged in photos by anyone new. Seeing them not having fun only works until they post something showing that they are, in fact, having fun… Without you. That’s going to sting, big time!
Block him, just do it. Every social platform has a block feature in some form or another. If you’re already on his page, sever the connection now, you’re in danger, girl. You need to move on with your life and get over this breakup already. If you’ve got time to be on his profile, then you’ve got time to be on someone news.
You’re self-sabotaging like a teenager going through a hormonal whirlwind. And you need to stop. Stopping the windstorm is easier said than done. It’s going to take time and effort to remove thoughts of him from your everyday life, but it’s a necessary step that you need to take. You’re never going to move on if you’re trying to stay up to date on their latest latte post.
I hope this list can help you move on and find yourself a boo who treats you right. We all have our bad habits, and you don’t have to be perfect. Being good at managing breakups isn’t a competition.
The last piece of advice I want to leave you with is to love yourself. Self-care is important and it’s very helpful for moving past breakups. Take the time and dive inward instead of 78 weeks into his Insta. Girl, do I really have to tell you that?
This could be a wakeup call for you, but your friends are here for you and waiting for you to get back on your feet!