Shower sex is kind of like pineapple on pizza - some people will defend it to their dying breath, while others would rather take that dying breath than have anything to do with it. Personally, I fall squarely into the first category, for pineapple pizza and shower sex alike.

I get it, shower sex is never like it is in the movies. You get soap in your eyes, the lube washes away, and you can never seem to find a position that doesn't put you in mortal fear of slipping and spilling the contents of your skull all over the tile floor.

In short, it's a pretty difficult thing to do well...

Even considering all of these things, I still think shower sex is worth the effort. If you can get it right, it is one of the most intimate, sensual, and downright sexy ways to get freaky with your partner.

So, how exactly do you get it right? That's exactly what I intend to square away right now.

I am a huge fan of shower sex and try to do it whenever I get the chance.

Over the years I have learned a lot of lessons about fucking in the shower the hard way, and I'd like to share a few of them with you to save you the trouble, not to mention the injury, that I went through to learn them.

 

Here is everything you need to know to about busting a nut in the shower without busting your skull in the process.

When you get right down to it, bathrooms are fuckin' gross. Even the cleanest bathroom is completely covered in all sorts of microscopic bits of fecal matter and all manner of nasty microorganisms.

We've all heard the statistics about the amount of fecal matter on our toothbrushes and other bathroom items - I don't need to re-hash it here other than to say that if you're gonna fuck in the shower, you should make sure it's as clean as humanly possible before doing so.

Other than just being plain ol' nasty, fucking in a dirty shower is the perfect way to introduce all sorts of nasty pathogens directly into your bloodstream.

You're probably going to be using those fingers to poke and probe all sorts of vulnerable and, more importantly, internal places and the lining of your intestinal wall is particularly thin and susceptible to pathogens.

Plus, who wants to sit or kneel on a nasty-ass shower floor while they're fucking?

A few years back, a few more than I'd care to admit, I hooked up with a guy and we ended up trying to fuck in the shower.

Things were going pretty great until we got a little too hasty trying to reposition and I slipped backward and hit the floor like a sack of wet concrete.

I also managed to smack the back of my head against the shower fixture and got a nasty gash.

It was horrifying, there was blood everywhere. It looked like the aftermath of a failed take on a "Psycho" porn parody shoot.

Sex toys and lube lying around the room and blood ominously swirling down the drain.

I spent the rest of the night in the ER getting stitched up and told that there wasn't much they could do about my bruised tailbone other than to give me some pain meds and tell me to wait it out.

The sad part is, that's not even the worst hookup I've ever had, but that's another story for another time.

The point of inflicting this horror story upon you is to drive home the need to take safety precautions if you plan to fuck in the shower.

At the very least, make sure you have a non-slip mat or non-slip floor adhesives in place.

If you're a real shower sex enthusiast like me, you might consider getting some of the hand-rails installed. Turns out they're not just for old ladies with hip problems after all!

One of the reasons shower sex is never as good as it looks in the movies is because those bastards in the movies all have showers that look like scale-model replicas of the Taj Ma-freakin-hal.

Meanwhile, back in the real world, average Joes like you and me have showers that are closer to coffins than castles.

Luckily, this isn't exactly a deal breaker. In fact, you can turn a small shower to your advantage!

One of the things I like about shower sex is the closeness, the intimacy. If you stop thinking about the shower as cramped and start to think of it as sensually cozy, things start to look a little different.

Use the terrain to your advantage...

If you have to be pressed in together, use it as an opportunity to soap up and slide against each other.Make the most of the situation through slick, sexy, skin-to-skin contact to get you worked up for the main event.

Remember to keep those slippery hands busy!

Once you're past the foreplay and you're ready to get down, the small space can work to your advantage in another way, leverage.

If your partner bends over in front of you with your back to the wall, you can get some seriously powerful thrust by using the wall for leverage. Whether you are going slow or fast, you can still go hard.

Shower fucking takes a little practice, and learning how to work with the quirks of your shower is a big part of getting it right.

When I'm buying a sex toy, one of the first features I look for is whether it's waterproof or not.

Since the shower can be somewhat limiting to your choice of positions and activities, it's essential a few toys around to, ahem, fill in the gaps.

Personally, I like to pop in an Aneros prostate stimulator while we are in the foreplay phase,  just rubbing our soapy bodies together and feeling each other up. It's a great way to help you loosen up your hole and adds some seriously awesome prostate pleasure to the soapy fun-time.

The external tabs can also be manipulated by your partner at any time to give you those shiver-inducing prostate tickles.

I also like cock rings for shower fucking. The way soapy contact feels against my tightly packed balls and super-full, hard cock is downright irresistible. Just make sure you have all of your toys and lube ready to go before you get into the shower to avoid frantic, wet searches for toys when you should be getting freaky.

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Seriously, that shit will make your ass burn, don't even think about it! That being said, choosing the right lube for a fuck session in the shower is extremely important. You're going to want to avoid water-based lubes completely because they will immediately wash away.

I'm not a fan of using oil-based lubes in the shower because I have concerns about what all that oil is dong to my plumbing after it washes down the drain but if you're not worried about that, oil-based is a good way to go.

Personally, I prefer a heavy-duty silicone lube like Gun Oil's premium silicone lube. It's fortified with more silicone than most other silicone lubes and also has aloe and other moisturizing agents to help keep your hole healthy and slick. The most important thing is that it has a ton of silicone, so it won't wash away and it stays slick with fewer re-applications.

Whatever lube you decide to rock, just make sure it isn't water-soluble!

The most important thing is that it has a ton of silicone, so it won't wash away and it stays slick with fewer re-applications.

Shower bangin' is one of those things that's an acquired taste and, like all acquired tastes, it takes a little experience and familiarity before you really learn to appreciate it for what it is.

If you're going into the shower to bang for the first time, expect disappointment. Try to have a sense of humor about it.

If you utilize these tips and take a few less-than-spectacular cracks at it, you'll get the hang of it pretty quickly. However, there is one other possibility...

Sometimes people's tastes just don't line up - It's a simple fact that cannot be denied.

There's a very real chance that no matter what you do or change about your sexual practices in the shower, you'll never really come around to liking it. That's fine too!

If you find yourself in the position of having a partner who is way into shower sex when you are not, you might consider a compromise.

Try hopping into the shower for a bit of wet, slippery foreplay to get yourselves fired up, and then move to a more open, convenient place for the grand finale.

Much of the appeal of fucking in the shower comes from the novelty of the location, so if you plan to move out of the shower to finish the games, try not to default to the bedroom.

Fuck right there in the bathroom if you have the space, or move out into the living room or wherever to maintain the out-of-bedroom mystique.

So, shower sex will never be how it looks in the movies, but nothing ever is- that's kinda the point of movies.

If you accept the challenges that come with shower sex and face them head on, take steps to overcome those challenges, and adapt to the conditions of fucking in the shower, you'll learn why fucking in the shower is actually better than it looks in the movies: It's real, and the reality of reality is that sometimes reality is a bit messy. Most of the best things in life are, though!