“GURL! You cannot say that!” What is it about gay men that people are so inquisitive about? For some odd reason, gay men seem to be a magnet for odd, and at times, an offensive line of questioning that our straight counterparts and other members of the LGBT abbreviation don’t get drilled about. Sure, inquiring minds want to know, and the only way to find something out or figure it out is to ask questions. But that doesn’t mean that us homos are always comfortable with these inquisitions. Here are the top 10 questions that all gay guys hate being asked.
1. Who is the top and who is the bottom?
I don’t know what it is about gay male sex, but there is something strangely odd when straight people want to know who is the passive partner versus who is the more active one. We hate to tell you sis: but often times, we BOTH are the top and the bottom. Gay sex is more than just being submissive or dominate with two men. It’s about a connection between two people and a sexual chemistry that is, frankly, no one else’s business but you and your partner.
Gay men very rarely think about heterosexual sex and especially not heterosexual sex between two of their friends, family, or loved ones. Why? Because that is kind of odd, freaky, and gross to contemplate the people you care about the most getting it on. Curiosity is one thing, but aren’t humans naturally curious creatures that are taught at a young age what questions are appropriate and which are not?
Just because one is curious about the sexual practices of people in your life, doesn’t mean it is ok to ask. One good response to this question is always: “who is the top and who is the bottom in your relationship?” Just because a female and male are together and sexually active, that doesn’t mean that anyone can assume either is the more dominant or submissive partner.
I’ve known a lot of straight men who are completely submissive to their wives and female partners, for instance. It’s better to respect the people in your life and not bother with this question.
2. Which one of you is the female and which one is the male in your relationship?
See above. Like the top versus bottom questioning, this drilling is just as insensitive and passé as trying to figure out who is the more submissive versus dominate partner. Why does it matter? Often, the more dominate partner is deemed by society as the more “nelly”, “queenie”, or “gay acting” one of the two of you, while the more masculine acting one can more often than not be the more submissive one in the bedroom.
The gender rules of a heterosexual relationship shouldn’t matter, because they just simply are not applicable between two guys.
Often the person asking doesn’t really want to know the explicit details of your sex life, so you are under no obligation to answer this one appropriately or at all, frankly. Just like when asked who is the top or bottom in a relationship, a great response to an inquiring hetero is to ask them the same question as a response: “Which one of YOU is the girl?” This archaic line of questioning is just playing into the patriarchal line of thinking that being more effeminate or the submissive one in the relationship somehow equates to less than, and it’s this line of thinking that needs to stop in 2021.
3. Don’t you just love *insert stereotypical LGBT media, artist, film, or television show here*?
There are a lot of straight folks out there that enjoy queer media just like us ‘mos do. But to just naturally assume that all gay guys watch or enjoy the same thing just because we are gay men is offensive and also an archaic mindset. Not all gay men hate sports.
Not all queer men are into Kylie Minogue and RuPaul’s Drag Race. We hate this question because it makes the assumption that the only entertainment we get into is that featuring other queer men or gay icons/idols, and that is simply just an unfortunate assumption.
News flash: most gay guys are into a various variety of entertainment, not just the gay stuff. Yes, a lot of us are into pop music, Drag Race, Ariana Grande, Brittany, Kylie, and staples of queer entertainment. But the world would be pretty boring if the only entertainment gay guys got into were each other and items marked “queer” on the box or tin.
4. Have you guys ever hooked up before?
Oooo this one grates on the nerves. Just because there are two gay men in the same room, does not mean that looks or pheromones are going to coincide to the point that we want to have sex with one another. Just like straight people, gay men can be very picky. Maybe even more so than straight people. Two queer men in a room does not mean that we know one another nor that we want to hook up. Often, it’s to the contrary.
Gay men more often than not find themselves not wishing to hook up with someone in the room and prefer to be left out of this series of questions.
5. Do you guys know one another?
Yes, there is a rolodex of ALL the gay men in the world, and we all naturally just know each other simply for the fact that we are gay. This is the same thinking that assumes that two gay men will immediately take to one another and want to hook up just because we both enjoy the dick. This couldn’t be further from the truth.
Not all gay men know each other and not all gay men want to have sex with each other. Think about how ridiculous it would be for this same question to be asked of our heterosexual counterparts. “You’re straight, and she is straight. You MUST know each other and want to hook up, right? Just because you are both straight. Insert face to palm here.
6. Are you a gold star gay or have you ever hooked up with a woman?
Again, this is a very insensitive question that gets asked of gay men time and time again. Just because we all have penises, does MOST CERTAINLY NOT mean we want to stick it in any and every hole we see. Nor is your sex life and sexual past anyone else’s business but your own. Having had sex with a woman doesn’t make a gay man any less gay or any more straight. It often means that the person was in an exploratory phase or wasn’t in the position, mentally or physically, to embrace their gayness and come out.
For many gay men, this is an uncomfortable question that forces queer guys to remember their past before they felt like they were able to leave truer, more authentic lives. For others, it’s the biggest eye roll question that hints of more antiquated patriarchal mindsets that deem 100% gay men as less than their heterosexual counterparts.
7. Are you sure you’re gay?
You don’t look/act gay. Yes honey, I am sure I am gay.
Gayer than a three dollar bill goose. Just like any other minority group out there, gay men are represented in every nationality, every race, every religion, and in more than 200 different documented animal species. There is no right or wrong way to be, other than living and being true to your own unique, individual self. Just like I mentioned before, gay men come in all shapes and sizes, with different mannerisms and actions. If Brokeback Mountain taught us nothing else, is that men don’t have to be overtly masculine or feminine to be queer. We just are simply attracted chemically and biologically to other men. Plain and simple.
The more “straight acting” a guy is has literally nothing to do with how much of a homosexual he is. I’ve met a lot of very effeminate straight men and plenty of very “straight acting” butch, masculine gay men. Yes, I am sure I am gay, and the level of nelly or butch I am has nothing to do with me being a homo or not. My favorite response to this question is always: “are you sure you are straight? You don’t act very straight.” Gets ‘em every time!
8. Aren’t you worried about getting an STD, HIV, or sick from having anal sex with each other?
This one makes virtually no sense considering the vaginal opening’s extremely close proximity to the anal cavity on a woman. Straight folks are just as likely to contract an STI from having sex with one another as gay men are. In fact, queer guys are less likely to contract something considering the widespread usage or PrEP, condoms, and from our anal cleaning habits.
No body likes a “shitty kitty” and gay men are used to having to douche and keep things clean and tidy down there to avoid accidents and messes. We would never even begin to think about asking our straight friends this question, so a simple: “nope” is a suffice answer.
9. Have you always been gay?
Yes honey: we came out of the womb wrapped in a rainbow flag, lisping, dancing to Diana Ross, and living our best queer newborn lives. Of course we have always been gay. While there is still open debate about whether or not there is a gay gene, most gay men had some suspicion of their own gayness at an early age, and more often than not, before puberty ever even sunk in.
This question is alluding to the old adage of assuming that homosexuality is a choice, versus something we are born as.
10. Did you ever wish you were straight?
Yes, I’m sure there are those of us that would choose a straight life over a queer one just to be at less of a disadvantage in society. Otherwise, for the rest of us, the answer is a big fat NO.
So, if you’re ever in a situation that makes you uncomfortable and/or are ever confronted with a line of questioning that you deem rude, insensitive or blatantly gross…don’t answer. There is nothing wrong with saying to someone politely: “this line of questioning is offensive to me.” Or: “That is none of your business.” Or: “That question makes me feel very uncomfortable.” While folks are within their rights to inquire within, it is also perfectly acceptable to dismiss sensitive questioning with a simple “No.” The word “no” is a complete sentence, and can be your best tool to shut someone up when you feel that they have crossed the line with their questioning.
Don’t be afraid to let someone know you aren’t comfortable with their questioning, even if it makes the person uncomfortable. You should never feel forced to give an answer to something you don’t want to talk about.