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23 Kink and Fetish Terms Every Gay Should Know


These are the specifics that really get you hard and shooting off. Usually we use labels to communicate what you’re interested into potential sexual partners. This is an introduction into some of the weird and wonderful kinks and fetishes out there in the world for you to discover.

1. S&M (Sadomasochism)

This has become increasingly popular since Rihanna sang about it back in 2011 and the release of 50 Shades of Grey in 2015. This is the general relationship between two people where pain is both inflicted and received consensually.

2. BDSM (Bondage and Submission)

This is a specific S&M activity. This usually involves tying up a person in a variety of restraints. Often leather, metal handcuffs and other restraints are used. While being restrained, the dom then inflicts pain on the sub. This is the ultimate form of trust and respect in a sexual activity. This is a very protective community and recent pop culture has made the community furious over misrepresentation. If you are thinking of trying BDSM as a dominant (inflicting the restraints) think about your motivations. Because if lines are crossed, it can cause irreparable harm.

3. Dom/Dominant

This can mean two things. In a BDSM relationship it is the person who is restraining the submissive. In the wider gay community, it can also be someone who is in control sexually. Usually the instigator of sexual activity.

4. Sub/Submissive

This is someone who submits to a dom and usually the one restrained in a BDSM relationship. However, like doms, they have a wider role in the gay community. Subs are usually the receptive ones in a sexual encounter. Despite common conception, it is the subs who have the power in a BDSM relationship. Their word is law.

5. Switch

This is someone who likes to go between dom and sub roles. This is often used interchangeably with versatile. With that vein of thought, a lot of people use top, bottom and versatile when talking about BDSM. But it is slightly misleading as a top in a BDSM scenario is someone who is doing the restraining but not necessarily doing the fucking. The same can be said for bottoming/submitting. A thought to bear in mind while talking to a new partner about BDSM!

6. Scene

This is a general word to describe the environment of the LGBTQ in a particular location. It can be as broad as a country or as specific as an area within a city. It usually refers to gay nightlife and how vibrant it is. It can also refer to the general acceptability of LGBTQ people in an area. It can be a quick and easy question to ask another gay man while travelling to know where the hottest spots are.

7. Limits

This sort of goes without saying. No means no and respect everyone’s limits.

8. Safe Word

This is someone that every gay man should do when exploring new areas of sexuality. Listen to your body when trying out new things. Let your partner know if you are uncomfortable or in pain. Some roleplaying involves playing the victim or sometimes in the throes of passion, it can be easy to misread signals. So, having a safe word should be able to cut through all of that. It has to be something easy to pronounce and distinctive enough to pick up on and not be mixed up with everything else.

9. Leather

This is a type of gay man who gets off on leather. Either by wearing it or by fucking/being fucked by a man in leather. Often associated with bears or older men on motorbikes. This part of the gay community has often been associated with being wild and dirty. Primal in nature.

10. Bondage

This is a specific part of BDSM where only restraints are used.


11. CBT (Cock ball torture)

This is where your junk is essentially tortured. The name is a bit of a give away isn’t it? Your cock and balls can take a lot of punishment but again listen to your body or sub, if lines are crossed the pain can become permanent.

12. FF (Fist Fuck)

This is where you stick up a fist in an ass. A lot of preparation has to be done for this to be safe and enjoyable. You will need to wear gloves to protect the rectum tissue from your nails and (cannot be stressed enough) lots of lube. One thing to be away of when fisting is that you run the risk of prolapsing the anus, so again listen to your body and your sub to minimize the risk.

13. E-stimulation/Electrical Play

This is when you use electricity to stimulate the nerves on your body to increase your arousal. Often used in BDSM and CBT. Obviously when working with electricity, you need to be careful. We would advise using regulated products as opposed to live wires as that can cause scarring or permanent damage.

14. Puppy Play

This is a kink that is a little different to others in that it doesn’t typically involve sex. The puppy is a gay man who essentially acts like a puppy, usually while wearing a mask that makes them look like a dog. Yipping, chasing rubber balls and looking to have their belly rubbed. The idea is to let everything go and switch off your logical thinking and just react to the world around you.

15. Slave/Master

This where a gay man totally puts themselves at the feet of their master. This has a huge broad spectrum and can be for life or just an hour. Again, like when we were talking about BDSM and S&M, consent is ultimate.

bdsm play

16. Piss Play

This is where a dom pisses on a sub and both get off on it. It can be a combination of just pissing on someone. Or maybe pissing in the different holes, mouth and ass.

17. Candle Play

Using a candle and letting it burn on your skin can be surprisingly erotic. Depending on how much time you have, you can get a long or short candle and let it burn. There is a short period when the wax really starts to melt, and the fire is close to your skin. That is when you need to extinguish the fire.

18. Edging

This is a relatively common technique and can be fun to do to a dom who is used to cumming when he wants. You bring him to the edge of orgasm and then back off. When he has cooled down, you bring him back to the edge. Rinse and repeat until he is practically screaming. You’re welcome.

19. Nipple torture

This again is a kink that is on a spectrum. Nipple torture can range from licking nipples to using clamps to twist them. This can be intensely erotic as the nipples have lots of nerves that are just waiting to be stimulated.

20. Mummification

This is a practice where a dom wraps up a sub in wraps. The sub can be wrapped in several layers or it can be only partially enclosed. Usually there are parts of the body being exposed, such as the cock and ass for a little fun. A practice originated in Japan whereby you use wet cloth, not only does this help with keeping your cool but it is much easier to cut through if things go awry. Mummification can be dangerous and so communication is absolutely vital. Also be aware that when you finish up and you are being removed or removing someone from the wrappings, there will be a temperature shock. Have a warm bath towel ready and you minimise any adverse reactions.

21. Age Play

This can be a fun activity to spice up your bedroom life. Age play is a practice where you roleplay with another consenting adult and pretend to be different ages. This can go in either direction, pretending to be a baby or an elderly person. A common form is pretending to be a teenager in high school and having sex with the teacher. I mean you gotta do what you gotta do to pass that class right?

22. Hanky Code

This is using a piece of cloth (usually a handkerchief) to say what you are interested in. It originated in the 1970s as a way for gay and bisexual men to let others know what they are interested in. If you wear the handkerchief to the left, you are a top and if you wear it to the right you are a bottom. Naturally there are colors. Black means you are interested in S&M. Dark blue means you are interested in anal sex. Light blue means you are interested in oral sex. Brown means scat (poop) is what gets your rock off. Green is a man for hire as an escort. Grey wearers are interested in bondage. Orange means anything goes, and I am sure has led to some interesting results! Purple means piercing. Red means you are into fisting. Yellow is waterplay (another way to say piss play). Obviously, this is not an exhaustive list but should give you a good idea of what people are trying to say to you back out on the street.

23. Chastity

You have surely seen cocks locked in cages on the internet! Male chastity devices are a staple in any sex store that features some kinky gear. The end goal of these devices is to prevent your penis from getting erect - which in turn prevents any self-pleasuring, orgasm, or ejaculation. Chastity cages aim to give the dom partner control over their subs. Chastity devices come in a variety of forms, materials, and levels of intensity. 


Overall the gay community is constantly evolving, and this is by no means an overall extensive list of all the kinks and fetishes. But having gone through these now, you should now have some semblance of understanding of what people mean. And who knows, you may have discovered a new fetish of your own! As usual stay safe and spread the love.

gay s & m 

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