7 Tips: Threesomes, Open-relationships, and Avoiding Jealousy
They say two is a couple, and three is a crowd. But don’t tell that to a plethora of gay men who have open relationships that can even include a constant third member. Is polyamory the new monogamy? Are threesomes, foursomes, and open relationships the ones that last or the ones that go crash landing after a few romps with a third? And are the days long gone for heteronormative, “traditional” relationships?
Gay relationships seem to evolve differently from their heterosexual counterparts. Seeking to spice up their sex lives, make a change, and bring in an additional party, the rise of the throuple, three gay men together in one relationship, has emerged. What used to be taboo is becoming more and more common with queer men. So does this mean that two is a crowd and three is now company?
Usually, a threesome or throuple begins when two men who are together decide that opening up their relationship is the way they want to go. But instead of having a series of multiple third partners, the couple decides date and or extend their relationship to include another partner to join their relationship. Together, all three men reside together in the same relationship as equal partners. This third partner helps expand the original couple’s sex life and evolves into a stronger bond than just sex.
Throuples are not necessarily the easiest pairing to maintain, though they have worked for some men for years. To succeed in your throuple, all the guys involved have to have clear communication and a mutual understanding of what it means to be in a relationship with one another, sexual or more. Barriers need to be drawn, interests get expressed, and concerns discussed. There is an open dialogue between the three men as to what exactly they want and what to expect. Or else the throuple doesn’t end up working out in the long run.
To avoid jealousy or one partner favoring the other, there needs to be mutual chemistry amongst all three of you to avoid conflict. Compromise, understanding, and a lot of patience are needed to successful keep three men together in a solid relationship. Though, it can be done. There just needs to be solid communication from all parties involved.
There is no certain label or blue print on how to go about starting and sustaining a relationship between three gay men. There are numerous variations, as well, or what a throuple is or can look like. While some threesome couples are sexually based, strictly, other throttles reside together in the same home, sharing bills, bank accounts, etc. While other threesome relationships live apart. Some throuples even open up their little triad to include other sexual partners, permitting further sexual exploration and fantasy fulfillment.
A throuple is more than just simply a threesome. If you are the one that tends to be the jealous type of can get jealous, a throuple relationship might not be the right path you want to take in your relationship, especially if you have insecurities or feel like you would be a third wheel. If you are your partner have unresolved issues or problems, bringing a third party to the table is not going to solve things. In this case, a throuple would be just putting a bandaid over a bullet hole and masking the problems that you and your boyfriend have by covering it up with the presence of another man.
If you and your partner are thinking about opening up your relationship to include a specific other person or more than one parties, do yourselves a favor and lay out some ground rules. Communication should be number one. Before either of you jumps into a throuple relationship, you need to question if this situation is the right one for you. Is being in a relationship with two men at once the best thing and decision for you.
If you aren’t the jealous type and both of you feel as if opening your relationship up to a third party is the next natural progression and step for you and your partner, then, by all means, go for it. Jump head first into those uncharted waters. As long as you and your partner have the ability to share your hearts with more than just each other, sans jealousy, you should be good finding a suitable bachelor to entire into your stratosphere.
Meanwhile, open relationships that don’t contain a third party who is constant are becoming more and more common amongst gay couples, especially those that have been together for a long time. No judgements: can you really only have sex with one person and one person only for the rest of your life? If you can, more power to you, you monogamous monster, you!
But other gay men in solid relationships may seek alternatives to sexual partners and sexual stimulation/satisfaction in other men. Your partner may fulfill you in 90% of your life, but also might not be able to totally fulfill you sexually. So, gay couples will often find themselves in the middle of the conversation where they realize they need to open up the relationship in order to keep the relationship.
It’s not that gay men are just greedy whores who need constant dick stimulation all the time. It’s more likely our biology: we as men were designed to breed each other and spread our seed around for the continuation of our species. Look at it through the lease of gay men who want more but don’t go running off into the sunset to chase after every stray piece of ass that comes along. Instead, they open their couples up to further sex partners.
Open relationships can mean either having sex with other people outside the relationship with your boyfriend or without. No two open relationships look the same, so it’s not always easy to measure their success rate. But as long as everyone involved is seemingly happy and sexually satisfied, isn’t that what counts? Sexual fulfillment and enjoyment is such an important part of life that gay men in couples are often the first couples to notice when they are achieving the sexual fulfillment they desire. And thus, the conversation begins on opening up the relationships.
As with any hookups, it is advisable if you are just opening up your relationships to threesomes independent of your man, that all parties involved exercise precautions. Everyone involved needs to be on PrEP. Condoms need to be used, and frequent testing for STIs needs to be done to ensure you are bringing home bugs and sickness to your man.
As with anything new and different, it is advised to lay out the ground rules for open relationships. Think of these as a guideline to protect yourself and your partner from getting hurt or creating false expectations in their heads.
Finally, following these 7 steps will help you sustain the best possible outcome (do you see what I did there?) for opening up your relationship.
- Start with respect: it is a non-negotiable. Loving your partner means treating them with the same level of respect that you yourself want to be treated. Always put the wants and needs of your partner above others, excluding yourself. Make sure your man is #1 in your world, over these hookups, flings, or additions to your sex life.
- Be honest with one another. The truth will set you free, and honesty and clarity is the best bet to ward off unexpected jealousy or hurt feelings. Being real with yourself and your man about what you want and hope to get out of your open relationship is the best course of action.
- Set up ground rules, boundaries, and limits. From the beginning, distinguish how far and the parameters you two are willing to indulge in to transparently establish a guideline for the open relationship. This will help you both know each other’s limits and will aid in the prevention of either of you upsetting your partner by crossing these lines.
- Great communication is completely fundamental. Talk it out, boys, Figure out the best and most important elements in sustaining a healthy relationship through honest communication. Talk about what you want, how far you’re willing to go and then listen to the needs of your partner.
- Avoid jealousy. An open relationship can open up a world of possibilities, including potential jealousy rearing its ugly head. Realize that an open relationship means both of you get to play with others. Avoid jealousy by communicating your feelings and realizing it’s just sex.
- As stated above, protection is paramount. If you boys are shacking up with other dudes, it’s important to know the status of the people you’re bringing into your relationship. Condoms, lube, and frequent testing are your best chances to avoid contracting a sexually transmitted illness from one of your conquests.
- If your open relationship features hooking up with guys individually, be respectful and don’t bring unwanted guys home to fuck. While hooking up on the side is one thing, it is an entirely different issue bringing guys home to the bed you share with your partner while he is away. Big no no.
Lastly, if ever you are uncomfortable with the open relationship, speak up. Know when to stop while you are ahead, pun intended. If at some point you become tired of the arrangement or no longer want to be open, speak up and let your partner know. Walk away from a bad situation before it becomes an issue that could end your relationship for good.
