Bi Eye For The Gay Guy: Tips For Gay Guys With Bi Partners
Bisexuality is still a bit of a raw nerve in the LGBTQA+ community. A lot of people still carry around a lot of fucked-up stereotypes, both consciously and unconsciously, about bi guys without ever really realizing how shitty that is nor the damage it can do.
Many gay guys would jump out of their chair to shout down someone who was spouting off about nonsensical gay stereotypes but would quietly sip their tea and nod in silent agreement when someone starts talking a line of shit about how bi guys "are just gay guys who don't want to admit it out loud" or how they "always end up cheating with a woman".
While it's not always obvious, this sort of low-grade, unexamined thinking can do some serious damage to bisexual people. The LGBTQ+ community is rife with examples of the damage that stupid stereotypes can cause to a marginalized group. One need only look at the suicide numbers for people outside of the cis-het dynamic to see that. Spoiler alert: They're appalling.
Bisexual men are more prone to feelings of loneliness, depression, physical symptoms, including physical pain that stems from mental trauma and all of the other problems that come along with existing outside of the margins. That's compared to the LGBTQA+ community as a whole and we should all know by now how sad that scenario is at the moment.
So, if you are going to be dating bi guys, there are a few things you should know to help you understand what's going on behind the eyes of your new partner.
A Quick Disclaimer
This isn't the oppression Olympics here. I understand that each of the groups that fall under the LGBTQA+ banner has their particular challenges, both inside and out of the community, and they are just as important as those of bisexual men.
The fact remains, however, that of the funds spent yearly on LGBTQ+ issues, only a very small fraction goes toward addressing the specific challenges that come with bisexuality. If you follow the money, it's clear that even within the community, bisexuality is something of an afterthought. We're talking tens of thousands of dollars compared to a pool of hundreds of millions.
This article isn't about "boohoo, poor bi guys!"- It's about attaining a better understanding of the particular issues faced by bi guys and how we can be better partners and allies to them.
Now that that's taken care of we can move on to the meat of the matter. Here's what you need to know to be a better partner and ally to your bi guy!
The Elephant In The Room
Let's just get this out of the way from the jump. A wider pool of potential partners doesn't mean that bi guys are more likely to cheat on you. For the bulk of my adult, sexually-active life, I have identified as bisexual. I have never once cheated on a partner with a person of any gender. Not once.
Cheating isn't something that comes about from having a wide pool of potential partners, it is something that comes from being a shitty, dishonest person. When you say that all bisexual guys will cheat, you are basically saying we are all shitty and dishonest. See why that might be damaging?
Furthermore, I didn't fall in love with my partner's genitalia, I fell in love with who they are. I would never cheat on my partner because I would never want to hurt someone I love and respect so much. Ya know, just like any other healthy relationship.
By reducing bisexuals down to their sexual proclivities, you are sending the message that bisexual people are somehow immoral and promiscuous- which sounds an awful lot like how the shittier cishet people out there talk about the LGBTQA+ community as a whole.
Do you really want to be like those assholes?
Yes, We Still Miss The Vajayjay
Having said all that, we obviously do miss experiencing sexual contact with the other side. We're still going to look at pornography that features women, we will still fantasize about women, and we are going to jerk off thinking about women sometimes. It's kinda part of the bisexual deal.
Instead of thinking about how we are going to cheat on you because we are "missing out" on this whole aspect of our sexuality, maybe you should adopt the perspective that we love you, the person we are with and not their particular brand of sex organ, enough to give all that up. Maybe appreciate the fuckin' sacrifice instead of looking for a reason to be needlessly suspicious of someone who loves you?
Chances are you have a varied taste in the men you fuck and, from time to time, miss being with those other types of guys. Does that mean you will inevitably cheat on your otter partner because you occasionally enjoyed a nice bear hug in the past?
We Feel Alienated
The prevailing stereotype about bi guys is that we aren't even really bi at all. The general thrust of this line of bullshit is that we are just gay guys who don't have the guts to "actually come out of the closet".
I have news for you, fucking men is fucking men from the point of view of a bigot. I came out in high school as bisexual in the late 90's and I received regular beatings for being a "fag". It didn't matter that I also liked women, I fucked men so I was a "fag".
The most ridiculous example of this occurred on the night that I lost my virginity. I was walking home, glowing and brimming with all of the airy-fairy shit that goes through your head after your first time when I felt something heavy strike the side of my head and knock me over.
I recovered, got up just in time to realize it was a mostly-full beer can that struck my head and that my troubles weren't quite over. The rusty old truck that had produced the flying beverage was pulled over and the pricks were getting out.
By this point, I had learned to take a savage beating by drifting off into my own head until it was over. I found myself actually laughing at the sheer irony of being beaten up for being gay almost immediately after having had sex with a woman.
Later, after I had escaped the podunk hellhole I grew up in, I was excited to be living in the city where there would be more people like me to commiserate with. Imagine my disappointment when I found myself surrounded by gay guys who acted like my sexuality was just a safe house for a coward. Who repeated the same lines of bullshit I got from the bigots of my youth, only from the other side.
In the town where I grew up, I was an outsider for fucking men. In the new home I was trying to make for myself in the city, I was an outsider for fucking women. While the LGBTQA+ people in my life have never given me a beating for who I am, they still hurt me more deeply than the rednecks ever did. Bruises heal quickly, but emotional wounds never seem to quite close all the way. In the end, I spent a lot of time acting straight around straight people and claiming to simply be gay around everyone else.
Bisexuality was never a half-way point to leaving the closet for me but the treatment I received caused me to actually retreat back into one in a very real way. It took a long time to come back out and just be me and it wasn't straight bigots that made me feel the need to lie about who I am.
We Need The Same Things From Our Partners As Anyone Else
There is no special trick to dating a bi guy because we are just people like anyone else. If you feel like you need advice on how to "cope" with being in a relationship with a bi guy, then you are looking at things all wrong.
Saying that there is a trick to dating a bi guy is just another way of "othering" bi guys. If you've been paying attention to the rest of this article, being othered is pretty much the root of all of the other problems we face. Only there is the added weight of being othered by those we expect to be accepting allies.
We need all of the same things from our partners as anyone else does. Treat us with respect, love us for our differences, not in spite of them, be honest with us about your concerns, and allow us to openly express ourselves to you in return.
It's really as simple as that and it's good advice for every relationship because being with a bi guy isn't any different than being with any other person. We are all human and we all need basically the same things from our relationship. The trick to dating bi guys is simply internalizing that fact and behaving as though it were true- because it is.