Gay Hookups: 7 Unspoken Rules
In the gay world, hookups are like glitter, it’s fucking everywhere. Just like glitter, casual sex is pretty great. Sure, they might not know all your kinks and you might have to teach them how to hit the perfect angle, but you also never have to see the guy again.
After years with a partner, you won’t be scared to speak up if it’s uncomfortable. He might know the things that get you both off, and you know his. While this can be great and I’m not throwing shade, something more casual might be more aligned with your lifestyle. Whether you’re a travel junky or a busy business guru, you haven’t settled down yet.
Casual sex isn’t likely to end with romantic cuddling or breakfast in bed, but it doesn’t mean it’s not still great. There’s a famous saying that sex is like pizza because even bad pizza is still pretty good. I mean, I have my fair share of horror stories with casual hookups, but #doesntmatterhadsex. Sex with a new guy has a lot of novelty, from sleeping with a stud that’ll never settle down to the excitement of hooking up somewhere new.
Gay hookups can honestly be just as pleasurable as sex with your life-partner, with the added bonus of being with a new guy. Here are the great things about casual sex because, well, why not?
1. Whatever you do, be prepared
The last thing you want when you’re looking for a hookup is to leave the planning until later. When you’re in the mood to fuck or get fucked, it’s just not smart to be unprepared. Plan for things to lead back to your place, let’s be honest, no one wants to come back to a pigsty with a three-day-old pizza box in the bed. Not that hookups are the most romantic thing on the planet, but boys, clean your rooms.
Chances are, you’ll end up going back somewhere new every once in a while, but it’s best to just plan like things are going to lead to your place. If you live alone, you’re one step ahead. Try to own more than one towel though, and while you’re at it, get some nice bedsheets, and maybe more than one pillow? I’m not talking anything expensive, but just having another pillow around can go a long way to making your fling feel more comfortable.
Number one on your list should be condoms. Safe sex may sound like some boring monologue your mom gives you, but it’s no joke. Strangers lie, and quite frankly the honus is on your gullibility. I don’t want to hear some boy whining that it doesn’t feel as good or some other bullshit, buy better condoms have better sex, it’s that simple.
Just call it right off the bat, no condoms, no hookup. Have a stash in your nightstand and while you’re at it why not add a vibrating cockring to your drawer!
2. This isn’t a date
Don’t get me wrong, go grab a beer, agree to meet up somewhere public, and by all means, be safe. Just don’t try too hard for a one-night stand. Don’t spend all evening peacocking about your arts degree or whatever else you find fascinating about yourself. Not to be too blunt, but it’s not the place for reminiscing about travel or blah, blah, blah, you’re here for sex, aren’t you?
Keep it light, ‘What do you do?’ or ‘Do you like dogs?’. I’m not saying be a complete snore, just keep the conversation at the surface level, like with Karen from work. No one cares about your ultimate fat burning routine, but it’s totally appropriate to mention going to the gym, etc.
Whatever you talk about, enjoy it, engage, and have fun! It’s still the chance to explore another person and might give you some insights for the bedroom later. Keep it easy breezy like mixing the perfect martini. It’s going to take practice, but there are very simple ingredients in every one.
Needless to say, don’t turn this into a date. No one wants to be lead on or be mislead. If you’re just here to fuck and chuck, own it. Keep whatever pre-sex activity you do just as casual as you want this experience to be, no-frills, maybe smoke a bowl but keep it chill.
3. Read the room
There’s a time and a place for trying something new, and a casual hookup is meant to stay casual. Keep the sex-tivities to the things everyone enjoys, not just what you say in your latest porn watching bender. A casual hookup isn’t really the time to explore your latest fantasy.
Never had sex in a car? That’s a great thing to try with a hookup. Something along this speed can keep things fresh and even more exciting. It’s just not the time to break out the paddles and chains. It’s good to be open to anything, actually, it’s the perfect mentality for hookups. Just try and keep to things that most people enjoy, like nipple play, fingering, even a little choking can be just enough kink.
There’s no sense trying to go the whole nine yards if he’s only here for a hot minute. Just like conversation topics, try to keep the sexual positions and activities on the universal side of things. No one needs to be pretzeled to have a good fuck.
4. Save the intimate questions for fuck #2
A one-time hookup with someone from the bar or a dating app doesn’t need lengthy conversation the next day. The biggest benefit of gay hookups is how little is required in terms of commitment or effort beyond a good fuck. However, going back to him every weekend or whenever you’re horny is likely going to bend the usual rules around no-strings-attached hookups.
Set some boundaries with each other, and that goes double if you see each other outside the bedroom. What do you say to friends, or to each other in public, help keep things on the casual side by side by simply being prepared.
Now’s the time to ask if he’s cool keeping things casual. It’s not a big deal if you’re looking for different things, and if you are you’ve now got the perfect situation to cut ties. After all, if you’re looking for a casual fling and he wants the infamous long term relationship then you two are just looking for different things and that’s ok.
5. Try not to stick around
Seriously, cuddling and close proximity lead to intimacy and feelings whether that’s what you’re after or not. The brain releases some of the most powerful drugs we can produce during cuddling and hugging (oxytocin). If you want to have no strings then it’s best to keep things brief. No, don’t go diving out the 21st-floor window of his apartment immediately after you’ve cum, just keep things moving along and out the door without being rude.
Hang out together for long enough and you’ll start finding similarities you like in each other. People who have similarities become friends. And friends who regularly fuck and hang out become the couples who last minute shop for Valentine’s day cards, and that shit’s real.
If that’s not what you want then you don’t want to extinguish the casual things you enjoy about your fling with intimacy and feelings. I swear I’m not a monster, it’s just the truth. Keep a good fuck around, sure, but don’t get attached unless that’s what you both want.
6. Know the lingo
You aren’t going to get any hookups by dumping all of your expectations on the, like “We should fuck tonight, and then you know, continue to fuck through like the winter break period. And then I’m thinking we break it off for summer to enjoy Pride and other random cocks and holes in my life, ya feel?”
Seriously, who does that… Kevin. One, it’s a buzzkill, and completely unsexy. Two, being too direct is likely to push more people away than draw them in. At the end of the day, sex still requires at least two consenting adults, so he has to still be interesting in fucking you or getting fucked by you.
To keep things casual after a successful hookup might require some awkward conversations. Were you friends before, do you stay friends, are you now friends with benefits? There’s so much to figure out, that, honestly, I think casual relationships are just as much work, if not more, than long term relationships. Don’t ask for or expect long heartfelt conversations. Keep things broad-stroked and surface-level just to know the role you each want each other to play in life.
7. Don’t be a dick
You’re not dating, hell even if you were, you don’t get a say in what they wear or who else they fuck. You wanted a casual relationship and you got one. You only get to control the things you do in a hookup. So try to set the boundaries that would make you comfortable continuing the fling.
Don’t be possessive, seriously, he’s not yours, and even if you’re dating he still wouldn’t be. Slavery shouldn’t be an expectation out of a 21st-century relationship. You’re both consenting adults with unique wants and needs. You need to communicate expectations you may have so that he can agree or disagree with honoring them.
You don’t need to go the extra mile or be overly chivalrous. If you two are casual, you don’t have to be the 2 am airport pick up. Put in a reasonable amount of effort, be a giver (or receiver) in the bedroom instead, a much better use of your efforts. Just be natural, with as little expectations as you want out of the relationship.
These are essentially the golden rules for casual gay hookups. Whether you’re looking for a long term friends with benefits situation or an on the side booty call for when you need it. These unspoken rules will help keep you sane in the modern dating world of flings and no strings!