Sex education was a bore. Apart from the random erections, I can't honestly remember much! So if you're like me, you missed the whole bit about having a healthy relationship with your sexual partners.
My ability to talk about general wants and needs is on thin ice as is, but my ability to have a good chat about sex is non-existent, at least in person. Online, however, is a much different ball game.
Let's be real, talking about sex ends up in having better sex. Whether you share secrets with your squirrel friends or have in-depth conversations with your partner.
Better sex is not a bad end product, especially if it involves a few of the things you talked about!
It might be easier for you to tell a one-night stand that you wanna be choked and near impossible to ask your partner of 3 years to wear a cock ring, and that's totally ok. We're often raised to believe that sex isn't something you talk about, especially not with those immediately around you.
Even the tiniest hop away from vanilla sex can feel like you're asking your boss for a 50% raise.
Asking your man to use sex toys instead of his cock might make him feel like he's being replaced. Maybe you're afraid you'll be seen as too kinky or even ashamed of what turns you on. Perhaps you just don't know when to pop the question, these are all ok.
Sometimes uncomfortable discussions lead to fantastic progress, and that goes for outside the bedroom, too!
You're not gonna be replaced by a Manhandler no matter how deep you man likes it. If he puts up with all the memes you send him and your stupid jokes, you're in way too deep to be replaced with a dong. Sex toys don't replace sex partners, they enhance the whole sexual experience.
Average sex is wonderful, and I mean, it's still sex, so it's not a bad thing, but you might get a little bored or 'forget' to have sex.
Without giving away all my talking points, let's take a more in-depth look at how you can and when you should bring up all the juicy, kinky stuff you're into.
Disclaimer: You're healthy, your kink is normal
First things, first! Kinks and fetishes are totally normal, and a fuck-ton of fun to explore. Before you starting throwing double-ended dildos and fistfuls of lube at your man, do a little self-talk.
The things that turn you on are not shameful, they're reasonable things that arouse a ton of people every minute of every day.
Putting aside the porn wormhole nights where even you walk away concerned with what you've just rubbed one out to, it's not like you want to turn off your partner.
You're going to say that you trust this person so much that you want to explore the bedroom's raunchy side. I'm not saying shove a piss plug up his hole immediately, I'm pointing out that chances are he's not likely to be utterly oblivious to the world of sex toys.
Chances are he'd like to try something out too, he's just never known how to ask.
I mean, most people own a sex toy already, heck this is a blog on a sex toy site, so it stands to reason that most of you readers fall into the category of sex toy owners. The internet is almost single-handedly responsible for this because it has made discreet purchases incredibly easy for the consumer. Realistically, the gay community regularly dips its toes into the world of adult purchases if nothing but for lube, because butt stuff just isn't the same without it.
Most guys know where to get sex toys today and where to find them online for tomorrow.
So when do you have the talk?
Ok, so your fetish is normal, but timing is everything. Bringing up the fact you want to be double fucked by his cock and a dildo is probably not the best idea at your niece's birthday party.
The good news is, your partner is likely to feel similar about any feelings of a sexual rut you might be experiencing. So, the important thing is to bring it up at the right time.
Ideally, bring up the conversation when you're in a great setting for it, like date night or on your walk home from a friend's house party. Make sure you're both in a relaxed, pleasant mood. Just avoid bringing it up in the actual moment.
If you bring it up during sex, you're putting him in the position of having to respond right away to keep the flow going, or he might end the sexy time you were enjoying. He might also feel like you were fixating on what was missing from your intimate moment rather than enjoying everything he's already brought to the table.
If you're more comfortable asking in the now, maybe ask for small additions like lube or your man's favorite dildo. Try your best to avoid ultimatums that prevent sex from continuing under your desires. If you want him to go along with the idea, he has to be interested in it at least a little.
My man isn't big on double penetration, even if it's with a dildo because he doesn't like that intense stretch, but we worked out a compromise. I finger his hole and fuck him at the same time, which gives me the feeling that I'm really destroying his booty, but it's not much extra effort for him. Win-win!
How do you know if it's too soon?
There's no gay manual out there with advice like, "If you've porked him 4 times, he'll be down for BDSM." Ok, I'm positive someone other than me has been choked during a one-night stand, maybe you even tried flavored lube that night you took a guy home from the bar.
Asking someone you want to be with long-term can be a bit more challenging to work up to. First, consider how open to sex talk you are, then consider your partner's general openness and his upbringing.
Maybe he's from a very hush-hush family that sweeps anything more traumatic than a mosquito bite under the nearest carpet. Then you'll want to consider what you're asking to bring into the relationship.
Things like huge toys and ball-stretchers might be a deterrent for the timider guys. So keep the calibre of sexual activity you're interested by in mind when you're thinking of bringing it up.
I mentioned lube earlier as a gentle introduction to the world of sex toys and partners, maybe your next step is a cock ring or remote-controlled butt plug. Try introducing the toys that require the least effort to get into.
If you're a top looking to explore more intense sensations, you could ask if he's down for you wearing an ass lock the next time you fuck him. Seriously, this is definitely worth bringing up!
Take it slow. If you're already calling each other BAE, baby, or boyfriend, then you're likely in a good spot to talk about dildos and lube.
Someone who's introduced you to their family isn't likely to turn you away when you're asking to level up your sex life. For some people, this might be week one, and for others, it could be after a year together.
It doesn't matter, there's no set rule, explore with your man at a rate you're both comfortable with.
Exploring sex toys is something you're doing together and not pressuring one or the other into something they aren't interested in. It should be an exciting and sexual time for you both to enjoy.
You don't need to do a killer PowerPoint presentation about why bondage is fun. Approach it from the idea that it would be really hot or sexy for you if he would use a toy on you. This way, you're openly telling him a turn on for you, and he has the power to accept or decline to turn you on even more. Most men won't hesitate to learn something else that turns you on! Take him on a shopping adventure to your city's iconic sex shop.
Most cities have a go-to LGBT shop that is a bucket-list for any queer tourist, and its a great way to touch and feel some of the toys.
Springing a toy on him after you were out alone might send mixed signals. Work together to ensure what you're buying is right for both of you, plus he'll be a little more invested in your fantasy this way. If you've got toys lying around from your ex, it's time to give them the boot.
If you're going to explore this together, you should buy new toys for your new experiences together. A good rule of thumb is if it's been used by someone outside your relationship, curb it.
Stick through the awkward phase
Talking about what you want to experience during sex will quickly result in an improved sex life. It's not likely you know a couple that has a silent relationship and a satisfying sex life. The two just don't go together. Sex requires consent and communication. Great sex requires even better communication. Has your boo ever told you, "I like that, keep going!"? Chances are that turned you on, and you remembered for next time.
These little moments of success will help push past the initial awkward conversation. You may even have an accident when trying your new toy, and that's totally fine. Shit happens, quite literally, to even the best bottoms. The more of these moments you experience together, the healthier you'll be as a couple.
The bonus is that you're slowly conditioning yourself to be ok with making a mistake during an intimate moment. Which is huge! Laughing during sex is pretty typical for long term relationships, weird things happen, and fantasies don't play out as we might prefer.
Fake it 'til you make it with the initial conversations, and you might just end up with everything you've asked for!
More talk about sex leads to better sex
Instead of the same plain-Jane missionary sex every night, why not explore the idea you've been mulling over. Improving your sex life often leads to better communication outside the bedroom too! You'll bond much more closely by trusting each other in these conversations. Bringing up sex toys isn't all that scary, and hopefully, these tips make it easier for you!