Quarantine has us all down in the dumps. We’re striving for some semblance of normalcy. I don’t know about you, but I’m so far from anything routine-like it’s got to be a joke.
I want to be able to high-five my friend’s son or give her a hug when I go over, but she’s in healthcare, so I stay extra far away. TBH, this whole situation has me so stressed I can’t even watch TV because some ad or commercial will trigger me. And don’t think just because someone’s quarantining with a husband that everything is sunshine and rainbows. They’re doing anything but fucking like bunnies.
Stress takes its toll in different ways on different people. And for many, that way is a hard hit to sexual desire. The biggest turn off for most couples is too much time together, after all, absence makes the heart grow fonder! So, spending all this time together has the opposite effect when compared to what most people are thinking!
Your libido is on the fritz, your mojo is mo-gone, and there’s a new level of stress that has everyone ticking like a time bomb. It’s no wonder China saw a massive increase in divorces the moment they lifted their complete lockdown. Most major cities are even seeing an increase in couples’ conflict and domestic abuse.
So, why aren’t couples, who are completely infatuated with each other at the beginning of quarantine, getting off with each other instead of going off on each other?
1. Insanely high expectations
Basically, most quarantined couples are expecting more out of each other than ever before. Couples are no longer just fulfilling the role of lover, they’re co-workers, best friends, therapists, and ride-or-dies all at once. That just forces romance to the background. Some people forget to detach from immediately available connections, i.e. our partners that we’re isolating with, to virtually connect with our friends and counsellors.
While spending a lot of time with the person you chose to spend the rest of your life with, you need to see people outside your relationship. Arrange a parking lot hang out with your friends, or chat over Skype/Zoom/FaceTime/Meets/A-Bajillion-Other-Video-Calling-Services. There’s no reason not to still have your weekly coffee with your work bestie. Or gab with your mom about whatever you two love talking about! Stay connected during these insane times.
Having your partner fill in all those roles stretches them so thin there’s no room for their needs. Be clearer in your communication with them, so that they know what your expectations are of them. If you have an abyssal void that you really need them to fill, then consider compromising on other, less important voids. This way, you’re managing each other’s expectations and building great communication skills as a couple!
Being together with this long, 24/7, for pretty much every activity, amplifies any relationship issues that may already exist in the relationship. It can also create problems where they dam well don’t belong. There’s a toxicity to this lifestyle of eating, sleeping, living, working, and hanging out constantly that’s shit for our mental health and worse for relationships.
2. Your batteries are drained
Sex requires energy and motivation (and consent!), so it makes sense that with all this stress and anxiety, we don’t have much left in the tank at the end of a day. Or even the start of a day for that matter. In fact, biologically, stress and anxiety consume all of our energy and focus.
Sex drive stems from a feeling of security. When you feel safe with a person, that’s when you can trust them with intimacy, or the toilet stall of a club, same same.
We don’t really have a confirmed timeline for the road back to normalcy, so it’s safe to say this uneasiness is here to last. If that makes you queasy, then it likely does the same to your sex life. Some guys get the different end of the spectrum, they’re practically dry humping anything with wood in the name. It’s not uncommon that one half of the relationship is extremely aroused, and the other half is a complete lack of interest in sex. If you’re in this pre-dick-ament, then let me give you some pointers.
Steer away from a desire to have the same sex drive. You’re two unique people and a crazy world and we’re only just over halfway through the year! There’s no normal anymore, so avoid pressuring yourself or each other into returning to ‘normal’. That ship has sailed. Sure, your stress will go down and libido will come back, but our generation will certainly be scarred from this experience.
Have fun with each other. Take time out of your day, and step away from the technology, even the phone for selfies. Dedicate an hour to each other that you just let stress go and do something silly together. Maybe it’s a big walk - without your dog. Whatever it is, make it solely for the two of you so you can fully immerse yourself in each other. It’s not about having sex; it’s about enhancing your connection and nurturing each other to grow throughout this wild quarantine.
When you’re feeling sexy, that’s when you spice it up with something new to help you both get aroused. Maybe it’s a new massage oil or vibrator, even sexy underwear, yes this is a guy thing too! Try doing a striptease for each other to the Magic Mike soundtrack! There are endless things you can try to see if that helps ground your sexual desires again.
If you’re still hesitant, compromise by giving him head or let him rub one out and give you his load as a facial. That might get you in the mood to get your rocks off too! Sex is more than just penetration and doesn’t need to mean both partners get off. Try and calm your mind away from the pressure that you have to put out to satisfy your man, sometimes all he wants is to cum on you just a little bit.
3. Work on your intimacy
It’s not all about having sex. Having a partner requires a much deeper level of intimacy than just having your hole man-cream-filled every morning. Use this time to work on the intimacy you have with each other. This will help you work towards sex that you both enjoy!
You can work on things like eye contact, touch, and other bonding experiences. You can try creating a sex bucket list for each other or every sexy bingo with the same idea. This was the ideas can be planned for but will still pop up organically and randomly. So far in quarantine, I’ve bought more leather than most would know what to do with! From restraints and floggers and harnesses, I discovered a whole new side of my sexual desires. My partner also found out how much he enjoys turning the table and switching between dom and sub. We both get to explore what we’re into and we don’t hold each other back.
We have set boundaries, though. Some things are just off-limits, whether they make us uncomfortable, scared, or just plain grossed out. There’s no judgement for these, we just have them on the hard no list.
While I’m on the topic of lists! Create a chart - can you tell I’ve worked in corporate too long? - and have your ‘Fuck Yes’s, ‘Absolute No’s, ‘Want to Try’s, and ‘Ready to Try When You Are’s all set up. This way you both have the chance to surprise the other with spontaneous sexual adventures that you know each other is into. This creates a really safe space to explore your desires and bond. And who doesn’t love bonding over sex!
4. Sex Relieves Stress
The fun part of all of this: Sex is an amazing stress reliever. Orgasms are not only delicious and nutritious, they’re actually able to increase your lifespan. Orgasms boost our immune systems, improve cognition, keep your skin healthy, and generally help you look younger, longer. Give your life a glow-up with some sexytime, it legitimately works!
Sex also releases feel-good hormones and endorphins that generally elevate your mood. Your body also releases the love hormone, oxytocin, during sex which is a natural sedative that can make you feel more compassionate to boot. Sex never has to mean penetration, so just remember that you can always perform oral or mutual masturbation, anything that you two (or more) are into, really!
5. Exercise and diet
Exercise has many benefits; it even elevates your mood because your body releases endorphins during your workout. It also helps you build stamina and strength for the bedroom so you can get into more interesting positions for longer. Regular exercise regulates the release of hormones and triggers some physiological things that get you in the mood, your libido will increase and so will your self-confidence. It also helps with blood flow, meaning you man-meat can maintain a harder, fuller erection for longer and maybe for even more than one round!
A healthy diet is just as important. Maintaining a healthy stream of nutrients flowing through your system is vital to a healthy libido. Though, if you’re looking for an extra boost, you can try eating dark chocolate, which is thought to be an aphrodisiac!
If you’re looking for more tips for the low libido you’re experiencing during quarantine, give these a shot!
- Get a good night’s rest. Sleep deprivation or poor-quality sleep can massively impact your life. That goes just the same for your sex life.
- Deep Breathing. This can moderate your blood pressure and reduce stress. You can use them to relieve tension from your day and boost your overall mood.
- Meditate. Mindfulness has been proven to relieve stress. Try out the latest app if your new or get comfortable if you’re familiar already because meditation is can massively improve your outlook and mood.
- Have a good romp. Seriously, it’s cathartic. It can take your mind off the stress in your life and allow you to enjoy pleasure and relaxation. You don’t even have to cum, just enjoy whatever sex means to you. Without and goals or inhibition.
Your libido may be in need of a kick-start, but after this read, you’ve got the tools you need to get your mojo back.