I Said I Was a Top: The Lies, the Legends, the Lube

A deep dive into the most common hookup fibs gay men tell, why we do it, and how to embrace our truth—whatever position we land in.

Honey, we've all been there. That moment when you're texting a potential hookup and suddenly you're claiming to be some kind of sexual acrobat who can flip positions faster than RuPaul can change wigs. The truth? Most of us have a comfort zone more rigid than that straight-acting guy's personality at your cousin's wedding.

Today, we're spilling all the tea on the fibs we tell in the pursuit of connection, companionship, or just some good old-fashioned bedroom gymnastics. So grab your favorite throw pillow (you know, the one you strategically place during those "Netflix and chill" nights), and let's dive into the beautiful mess that is gay dating communication.

 

The Fabulous Five: Top Gay Dating Fibs That We've All Told

1. "I'm totally verse 😅"

Ah, the versatile claim. The Swiss Army knife of gay dating profiles. The "I can do it all" when what you really mean is "I have a very specific preference but I'm afraid you'll lose interest if I admit it."

Confession Corner: "I put 'verse' on every dating app for THREE YEARS. Then I finally hooked up with this gorgeous guy who expected me to top him. There I was, standing there with all the top energy of a deflated soufflé. We ended up watching 'The Golden Girls' and ordering Thai food. Still friends to this day, but he never let me forget my 'versatile skills.'" — Anonymous, 28, Boston

The truth is, there's absolutely nothing wrong with knowing what you like and what you don't. Being a dedicated top, bottom, or genuinely versatile doesn't make you more or less desirable—it just makes you honest about your preferences. And honey, authenticity is sexier than any position could ever be.

2. "Yeah, I've cleaned out."

The preparation proclamation. The cleanliness commitment. The promise that you've spent more time in the bathroom than most people spend on their entire morning routine.

Confession Corner: "I once told a guy I was 'good to go' when he made a surprise visit. Spoiler alert: I was NOT good to go. What followed was the most awkward 'I just remembered I have an emergency Zoom call' exit in gay history. We both knew. WE. BOTH. KNEW." — Carlos, 31, Miami

Listen, preparation is important, but so is honesty. Sometimes spontaneity happens, and that's okay! A mature conversation about readiness can save everyone from an uncomfortable situation. Remember: good communication is the real foreplay.

3. "It's just a casual date."

The "no pressure, just vibes" declaration that we make to ourselves more than anyone else. This classic line is often followed by obsessively checking their Instagram, planning your honeymoon, and wondering if your last name sounds good with theirs.

Confession Corner: "I told my best friend it was 'just coffee' with this guy I met online. Cut to me creating a shared Spotify playlist called 'Our Future Wedding Songs' after ONE LATTE. The barista hadn't even called out his name correctly, and I was mentally adopting dogs with him." — Taylor, 26, Seattle

We've all been guilty of playing it cool while our imaginations run wild. There's nothing wrong with hoping for more, but managing expectations (especially your own) is key to maintaining sanity in the dating world.

4. "I'm not emotionally attached."

The greatest lie ever told. Typically uttered around the third hookup when you're already wondering why they haven't texted you back within five minutes.

Confession Corner: "After our second hookup, I told him 'this is just physical for me.' Then I accidentally sent him a screenshot OF OUR OWN CONVERSATION that I meant to send to my friend with the caption 'Do you think he likes me???' I changed my name and moved to another city. Kidding. But I did block him on everything and pretend he never existed." — Jamal, 29, Chicago

Emotional connection isn't something to be ashamed of! The "no strings attached" arrangement works for some, but it's perfectly normal to develop feelings. The key is being honest—with yourself first, and then with them when you're ready.

5. "I'm only into masc guys."

The internalized whatever-this-is anthem. Usually typed by someone whose camera roll is full of RuPaul's Drag Race screenshots and who can recite every word to the Wicked soundtrack.

Confession Corner: "I had 'masc4masc' in my profile for years while secretly being the biggest Broadway musical enthusiast on the Eastern Seaboard. Then I matched with a guy who showed up to our date in the most fabulous outfit, completely unapologetic about his femininity. It was the most attractive confidence I'd ever seen. I deleted that phrase from my profile that night." — Alex, 32, New York

Embracing the full spectrum of gay expression—including your own—is liberating. Whether you're naturally more masculine, feminine, or somewhere in between, authenticity will always be more attractive than conformity to some arbitrary standard.

Honorable Mentions:

• "I didn't come here to hook up." (Said while packing three condoms and your favorite underwear)
• "That's just my roommate." (It's your ex, we all know it's your ex)
• "You can pull it out whenever you want." (Narrator: He did not, in fact, want it pulled out)

The Power Playbook: How to Prep Like a Pro

Whether you're a top, bottom, verse, or still figuring it out, preparation is key to confidence. Here's the tea on getting ready for whatever position you find yourself in:

For All Players:

• Hygiene is non-negotiable: A thorough shower is Dating 101, honey. Pay special attention to all the important areas. Yes, ALL of them.
• Trimming situation: Whatever your personal grooming preference, a quick check for tidiness will never go amiss. Nobody wants an unexpected hair in their mouth—unless that's specifically your thing, in which case, live your truth.
• Breath check: Keep mints handy. That garlic pasta was delicious, but its encore is not welcome during close encounters.

Bottom Prep:

• Fiber is your friend: Make it a daily habit, not a pre-date panic purchase. Your digestive system will thank you.
• Hydration station: Water is essential for everything in life, including a clean system.
• Timing is everything: Give yourself plenty of time before the main event. Rushing this process is a recipe for disaster.
• The shower attachment investment: If you're serious about your bottom career, this is basically your office equipment. Tax deductible? No. Essential? Absolutely.

Top Considerations:

• Stamina matters: A little cardio in your regular routine goes a long way in the bedroom marathon.
• Trim those nails: Seriously. Check them, then check them again. Then file them. Your partner's comfort depends on it.
• Pack supplies: Being prepared with protection and lubrication shows you're responsible and considerate. Sexy, right?

The Truth Toys: Recommendations for Authentic Exploration

Sometimes a little help from our silicone friends can guide us to our authentic preferences. Here are some toys that might help you discover where you truly land on the position spectrum:

For the "Maybe I'm a Bottom?" Crowd:

• Dr. Joel Kaplan Rechargeable Prostate Massager: Small, friendly, and non-intimidating for those just dipping their toes (or other parts) into new waters.
• Aneros Trident Series Prostate Stimulator Helix Syn: Specifically designed to introduce you to sensations you might have been missing all your life.
• Training Kits: Sets with graduating sizes for a progressive journey into bottomhood.

For the "Top Curious" Club:

• The Male Rose 3 Thrusting, Rotating & Vibrating Oral Sex Masturbator: Practice makes perfect, and these toys let you work on your rhythm without performance pressure.
• The Milker Max Stamina: Toy designed to help you last longer when it matters most.

For the "Actually Verse" All-Stars:

• Gender X Double Fantasy: Toys that can be used in multiple ways for multiple sensations.
• Partner Play Sets: Designed for taking turns and exploring all possibilities together.

Embracing Your Authentic Self

At the end of the day (or night, or afternoon delight), the most important thing is being honest—with yourself and with others. There's no prize for being any particular position, and there's certainly no shame in knowing what you like.

The biggest turn-on? Confidence in your preferences. The sexiest thing you can say isn't "I'm a top" or "I'm a bottom" or even "I'm verse"—it's "This is what I enjoy, what about you?"

So go forth, be truthful about your desires, and remember: in the grand scheme of things, it's all about connection. Whether you're connecting bits, hearts, or just Netflix accounts for the night—honesty makes it better.

And if you do tell a little white lie? Well, honey, you're in good company. Just be prepared to laugh about it later—preferably over brunch with your closest friends who will never, ever let you live it down.