First things first: I'm a pretty staunch bottom. Not only am I a bottom, I am a bottom who gets around quite a bit. In an effort to improve the sex lives of bottoms everywhere, I've got a few things to say to all the tops out there.

First of all, you guys rock, for the most part. However, the view from below offers us bottoms some unique insight into how you cats could pull your weight a little better in the sack. If you're a top who wants to be better in bed (and who doesn't want that?), I've got a few tips that will help you keep your bottom's bottom happy. Trust me, that's something you definitely want to do because you'll find a happy bottom ends up in the air more than a grumpy one.

Here are a few suggestions from a devoted bottom on how to treat your face-down friends right!

14. A Gentlemen Brings The Condoms

Realistically, everyone should be in charge of this but, for whatever reason, the expectation is often on the top to pack the jimmy hats. Even though PrEP is a thing, HIV/AIDS isn't the only game out there to watch out for. Safe sex is still the best sex. Even if you don't agree with that, the guy you're hoping to bang might. If you want to get laid, you're just gonna have to roll with it, fellahs.

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13. Don't Lie About Your Dick Size

Look, this is really a lose/lose situation for everyone involved whichever way your lie skews. If you are packing mammoth meat and you trim some size off to avoid scaring away the meeker bottoms among us, we're going to be disappointed when you flop that giant hog out and we realize we're in for an unexpectedly rough ride.

Conversely, if you add some heft to your juicy dangler in the hopes of attracting a size-queen, again, you're only setting yourself and your potential partner up for a letdown. When the clothes come off and the action starts getting heavy, there's not much that can stay hidden for long. Lying about your size just smacks of desperation and insecurity- two things that aren't exactly turn-ons for most dudes.

12. It's Not The Destination, It's The Journey

Which is a fancy way of saying that you should take the time for a little foreplay before you just dive in. You tops get hard and that's all you need to get going, but us bottoms have to ease into things and relax if we're going to have a good time.

Take the time to stoke your bottoms fires. Help him get loosened up with a bit of finger or light vibe play before you tuck into the main course. Pinch some nips, nibble his earlobe, play with his balls FFS! I promise that the sex will be better for both of you. A little razzle-dazzle goes a long way with us bottoms and we pay it back double when you treat us right!

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11. Fools Rush In 

Speaking of easing into it, could you guys not just jump on us and start hammering away like our asses owe you money? Sensing a theme yet? Yeah, take it slow and easy, to begin with. Now you're catching on!

Ask your bottom which position is best for them to start with . Ease in gently and ask your bottom how he feels and proceed accordingly. You should really defer to your bottom as you start to get going until it is clear that they are well loosened up and ready for you to get silly with it.

10. Shift Gears Every Now And Then

Don't just click on the cruise control and stick to one position, intensity, or speed. Switch all of those factors up from time to time and communicate with your partner as you go along. Everyone's body is different. What worked well with your other partners might not turn your current partner's crank like it did your others'. Basically, don't be a robot- They have perfectly serviceable fuck-machines if that's what guys wanted!

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9. Give Him A Breather If He's On Top

Riding a dick well is a lot harder than it looks. To get the full range of motion required for a seriously good ride, we have to do all sorts of acrobatics and hold extremely difficult positions to get the job done. All of those acrobatics can take it out of even the most athletic of bottoms.

If you noticed your bottom is starting to slow down or starting to look haggard and winded, roll him over and take over for a bit so he can catch his breath. Chances are that he'll happily jump back on once he's regained his bearings.

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8. When In Doubt, Pull It Out

If you start to feel like your going to blow your load a whole lot earlier than you'd like, get the hell outta dodge for a bit until the heat dies down. You know when you're approaching orgasm, so just pull it out and play around a bit until your biz calms down and you can get back to banging again.

Even still, sometimes premature ejaculation happens, but it doesn't have to be the end of the world because...

7...You can always try again!

So you blew a load early- So what?! You know about how long it takes to re-arm the missiles, use that time to pay some attention to your bottom's needs and when you're back up to snuff, you can get back to plowing.

A disappointingly early end to the fun is only that if you just give up. What's the rush? Besides, you'll last longer the second time.

6. Don't Get "Cute" With The Damn Condom 

If your partner wants you to wear a condom, you should respect their wishes. Don't be an asshole and try to slip it off half-way through the action and,  FFS, don't try to slip in on the down-low before putting one on.

If a guy's consent is contingent upon you wearing a condom, you don't have consent if you sneak in without one. There's a word for that...

5. Don't Be Shitty About Getting Shitty 

Look, there's nothing more mortifying for a bottom than the sudden appearance of the Brown Devil. As bad as it is to get it on your wang, knowing you're the reason someone had to go through it is even worse. A lot of us bottoms go through an insane amount of effort trying to keep the brown monster at bay, but sometimes it slips through.

If you pull out and notice an extra something-something happened while you were down there but your bottom didn't, just toss the condom and don't say anything about it. If it's immediately obvious to you both, try to just laugh it off. It's really all you can do unless you're a total dick.

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4. Be Vocal 

Don't be one of those tops who just starts thrusting away, only ever breaking their stony silence with an occasional groan or grunt of pleasure. It really helps us bottoms do our job better if you're communicative, vocal, and even encouraging while you're blissfully pounding away.

Say our name, let us know if you like something we are doing or if there is something you would like us to do. It not only helps us feel sexy as hell, it makes the sex better for everyone involved.

3. Where Would You Like This?

If you're going to pull out and blow a load on your guy, ask him where he'd like it. We all have our preferences for whatever reasons and it's just the polite thing to do.

2. A Little Help Here?!

If you want to keep your bottom sexually satisfied, you have to be sure you sex them up until they are actually satisfied. It's pretty easy to spot when a bottom is satisfied, the signs are the same for them as they are for you.

If you are having trouble being able to tell whether or not your partner is satisfied, here's an easy trick to find out. Ask yourself: Did they blow a load? (Bonus Pro-Tip: You want the answer to be "yes")

Don't just finish up and leave your boy hangin'! The one surefire way to ensure I never fuck you again is to leave me with blue balls. Finish what's on your plate or you can't have seconds! Really, we shouldn't even have to be having this particular talk, but here we are.

1. Don't Rush Out (Or Do!)

Depending on the circumstances you find yourself in, don't just drop your load and hit the road. Take the time to bask with your partner in the afterglow. Snuggle, take a nap, whatever. Just don't leave your bottom feeling cheap by throwing on your clothes and catching the next bus home as soon as you got what you came for.

Obviously, this doesn't always apply. If you've made arrangements with a guy to have some quick and dirty anonymous sex, do the right thing and GTFO ASAP.