10 Tips on How To Be a Dom Top (More ASSertive in bed)

Being a good dominant top doesn’t mean simply just shoving it in and taking your partner to pound town as quickly and as hard as possible. Believe it or not, it takes skill, practice, patients, and a determination to become the dom top of your partner’s dreams. Yes, most gay men have penises, but just because you have a cock, it doesn’t necessarily mean you actually know what you’re doing when you fuck. Just shoving it into your man and pounding him out is NOT going to be a pleasurable experience for the submissive partner. 

Ass pounding can be painful and might lead to your partner cancelling out on your the next time you feel like getting off. While it isn’t rocket science (you see what I did there?), topping does take work and is like an art that needs to be perfected. 

After all, you cannot demand that your partner submit to someone who only knows where to stick his penis into. You can learn some basic skills and build your expertise from there, in regard to penetrating your partner. Take your topping to the top next level with these 10 tips on how to be a dom top (more assertive in bed).

1. First things first: explore the territory and what you are working with. 

A very important lesson to learn is that no two bottoms were created equally. No two passive partners are ever going to be the same. So, you cannot go into sex for the first time with someone thinking you know how they will react or how they will perform in the bedroom. Knowing this, be open to a different set of beliefs and ways of going about having gay sex. 

If you step into the situation with an open mind and eagerness to explore your partner’s ability to be submissive, you’ll be more likely to have a successful romp in the sack. Communicate with your bottom to find out how he likes to get fucked and what are some of the activities he enjoys as the submissive partner.

2. Get oral with it. 

Never skimp out on the oral foreplay before penetration. Basically: you have got to lick it before you stick it. Your partner’s ass is a tight shoot that needs to be gradually opened up. Use what your mama gave you, and make oral love to your man’s back side, preparing him for proper penetration through the art of rimming. Don’t ever skip out on the foreplay.  

Chances are, you’ll get hard just eating his ass, and he’ll love being gradually opened up by your soft warm tongue and lips. A good rim job starts with your man having properly cleaned himself and douched in the shower beforehand. Then, communicate with your partner to guarantee he is ready for you to stick your face and mouth “down there”. Next, go to town on his booty hole with your lips, mouth, and tongue, kissing and licking his ass hole like you are french kissing his mouth. Start by licking the outer rim of his hole, and kiss and lick your way inside his cheeks and on his physical hole. 

Kissing his asshole gently, try and wiggle your tongue inside his asshole and sphincter to give him a tease of what is yet to come. You’ll find he relaxes more and is able to open up more with a good healthy dose of oral on his butt.

3. Use lubricant and plenty of it. 

While it is true that some bottoms prefer it raw and rough, able to take penis deep in their asses with as little help as some spit or left over saliva from a blow job. However, most bottoms will require a little bit of the lubricant stuff to make entry and thrusting easier and more comfortable. Your ass hole does not self lubricate, so entering a man’s ass and thrusting can cause small tearing in the anal cavity. This can be super painful and lead to unwanted outcomes like bleeding, fissures, hemorrhoids, and flat out pain. 

 

Don’t be a dick head and put your partner through a miserable experience. Have a heart and slap some lube on your meat. We highly recommend using Back Door Comfort Water Anal Glide Lubricant from Pour. A little bit goes a long way with this extra hydrating lubricant that will make thrusting and anal penetration slick and easy. Squirt a dollar or two into the palm of your hand, rub it all over the head and shaft of your penis, and use a little on your man’s butt hole. A light fingering with the lube will also help oil him up.

4. Fingering can help open up the anal cavity. 

While not necessarily an activity that everyone enjoys (I personally prefer the feel of a man’s penis versus the jabbing of a few fingers), fingering can help open a guy’s sphincter up and allow for his anal cavity to expand without tearing. Use some lubricant and try one by one inserting a finger and then a second (and third, if he can take it) inside your man’s butt hole to help begin the lubrication process and ease him into the final show. A few fingers can really help open up your partner’s ass to prepare it for the main event. Just be sure to trim your finger nails before hand to again avoid any possible tearing.

5. Try butt toys to begin with.

If your partner is averse to fingering or you need some extra help with easing him into being a submissive bottom, think about busting out some sex toys to help your partner open up. A nice smaller butt plug is a great way to go, like the Colt Anal Trainer Kit. With this kit, your partner has a choice between three different butt plugs to help open him up and prepare for the actual penetration. Or the OptiMale P Massager, a prostate massager that will hit his P-spot and leave him begging for the real thing. If you really want to go high tech on your boy’s booty, try the Lelo Loki Prostate Vibrator. 

This is a vibrating anal stimulator that will do an amazing job at getting your guy turned on and ready for more enhanced man sex play. You’ll be able to dominate him with ease after using any of these toys as extra foreplay.

6. Gay sex is not a race. So you are better off starting slow and easing your way into the situation. 

There is never any reason to slam your cock in full tilt with the first thrust. Someone who isn’t totally ready to be impaled by your man meat might get hurt or have the inside lining of his anal cavity tear if you just shove it in there without taking your time. Why rush things when sex feels good in the first place? 

Take your time and encourage your partner to breath as he slowly takes the length and girth of your entire penis inside him. Pay attention to how he reacts and allow this to be your true indicator of when you can begin actually thrusting. 

7. Communication is key. 

The best way to practice being a better top is to make sure your partner knows he is respected and heard. Just because he is wanting to get fucked and dominated by you in no way necessarily means he wants to be denigrated and degrade by you. (Some guys get into that, sure, but that doesn’t mean you should treat the act of domination as a way to subjugate your partner). Talk to your guy to find out if he is enjoying himself, what positions he likes, and if you should go faster, slower, or however will help provide him with the maximum amount of pleasure. A good bottom will want to give up his hole but not relinquish his control of the pleasure he will receive from his dominant top partner. 

It’s ok to ask how he is doing and constantly check in to make sure he is still loving being fucked by you. Also, pay attention to how he is reacting through body language. If he is clawing at the comforter and moaning with pleasure, you are probably doing something right. 

But if you see him saying “OUCH!” or “OW!” or wincing with pain, switch positions, add more lube, or make some changes to where you both can enjoy yourselves. It might be a little painful for the first time or first few minutes of penetration, especially if he is new to bottoming. But after a while, his grimace should turn into a smile or “oh” face with pleasure. 

The easiest way to know whether something is working or not is by consulting with them, not by being inconsiderate and doing whatever you want to their hole.

8. Switch it up.

A good dom top knows that sex feels good in a lot of different positions. Missionary is boring after a while and doggie style can be too much of a disconnect. If your partner is having difficulty feeling enjoyment from the sex in one position, try another. Add a pillow underneath his ass. Try standing up or actually holding him in your arms while fucking him. 

Doggie style and laying on his stomach helps open the anal cavity up for deeper strokes and penetration, and both can be key to receiving maximum amounts of pleasure while bottoming. Ask your partner what their favorite positions are and start there, eventually moving into other positions and territories. 

The same old same old gets boring. The more positions you utilize during gay sex as a dom top, the more likely you are to get off, seeing your partner take your dick in a myriad of ways.

9. Remember that it is not always the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean. 

You can have a 10 inch dick and be a terrible top, and guys that have 6 inch dicks can be the greatest lay of their partner’s lives. It’s all about the motions. Figure out which thrusting techniques are best and roll with them. Most submissive bottoms want a top that knows how to best utilize what they have versus just trying to over compensate with as hard and deep thrusts as possible. Try sticking half your dick inside of him and seeing how he enjoys that. 

Or penetrating all the way and seeing how that works out for you both. Once you have really opened your partner up and he is ready to take all of you, then you can begin to use deeper, harder thrusts. Let him know that you are in control by figuring out the best stroke usage for both of you. 

Respect them if they ask you to stop, need a breather, or want you more or less inside of them. In the end, you’re more likely to get off the more your submissive partner is into the actual act of sex. Once you’ve got a good rhythm going, then you can move onto more challenging techniques and different thrusts.

10. Pay attention to your body. 

A good dominant top will take breaks, himself, and prevent himself from getting worn out too soon. Tensing up your muscles too quickly can cause fatigue and might lead to unwinding cramping. 

Don’t let your legs or arms fall asleep if laying on them. Rock your thrusts and pelvis in an even cadence, fucking your guy with a dominant fluid motion. Your hips and lower abdomen will do the trick for you, as long as you’ve positioned your sub into a good spot and position. 

Most bottoms won’t mind you taking your time to figure out the best rhythm, so do both of you a favor and listen to what your body is telling you. 

If you are feeling extreme orgasmic joy from your present thrusting and dominating of his hole, the chances are that he too is feeling the loving between his legs. Stay hydrated, don’t ignore excessive sweat, and remember to breathe just as you instructed your bottom to when you were first entering his anal cavity. 

The more in sync you are with both of your bodies, the more likely you both are to be enjoying the hot dom top that you really are.