A good friend of mine recently approached me about a problem he is having in the bedroom. He was super-worried about the fact that, while he loves his partner like crazy, he finds himself thinking about other guys while they're fucking.
He started going on about how he was worried that it was a sign that they were drifting apart, that he was feeling guilty, and was asking if he should just call the whole thing off before things inevitably got ugly between them. In short, my buddy was a mess.
What He Was Missing
What my buddy didn't realize was that almost everyone, at least occasionally, thinks of someone else while plowing their partner and whether they love their partner or not has nothing to do with it. I knew for a fact that these guys have been together for about three years and explained that I was straight-up flabbergasted it took him this long to develop a wandering mind in the bedroom.
I realized as the conversation went on that if my reasonably well-adjusted buddy was struggling with this issue, that there are probably tons of other folks in a similar position who could use a bit of advice, as well.
Here are the lessons we took away from our rather lengthy conversation on the topic. Hopefully, someone else who is struggling with this issue will be able to find comfort and answers in what we uncovered!
You're Not A Horrible Person For Thinking About Other People In The Bedroom
All joking aside, most guys don't want to feel like they are being shitty to their partners or being unfaithful or dishonest. The first thing you need to realize about thinking of other people while fucking your partner is that it is perfectly normal and that you aren't a piece of shit for doing it. Sorry, but chances are that your partner isn't always fucking you in his mind when you are together, either.
Lesson 1: Feeling guilty about something everyone does is more than a little silly. Don't you think?!
Once You Get Past The Guilt, It's Easier To Find A Way Forward
Once I got my buddy to stop feeling so damn guilty about the whole thing, it got a lot easier to get him focused on what to do about it and what it means. Guilt, like thinking of other people, is a symptom of something, not its cause. The trick is to find out what that something actually is!
Lesson 2: Once you get past the guilt, the problem becomes more clear.Identifying A Problem Is Only The First Step Toward Fixing It
Once we figured out that the lack of sex in their relationship is probably a huge factor, we had to get down to why they weren't fucking as much as they used to. This one was easy- they had been together for over four years now!
Most couples start off strong in the bedroom department and slowly taper off to a comfortable level of activity in the sack. It's perfectly normal and, like thinking of other people, it is something that we shouldn't worry about, but we should definitely acknowledge and address, at the very least.
Dwindling sexual activity is the apparent cause of my buddy's wandering mind, but the same process of examination applies to almost any other problem that might lie at the heart of your issue. Take the fact that you are thinking of others as a signal to examine the various issues in your relationship and to find a new way to move forward.
Lesson 3: Thinking of other people during sex isn't a sign that things have come to an end, but a sign that they need to move in a new direction.
So, What Now?!
The more talked, the more I realized that my buddy's problem, at its core, stems from an issue at the heart of most challenges to a relationship: Boredom.
Countless articles have been written about how to bring "the spark" back into a relationship. Hell! I've written more than my share of them! The takeaway from the vast majority of those articles is that most problems in the bedroom are, at least in part, caused by a lack of novelty. People tend to get stuck in sexual routines that, over time, start to feel more like a sexual rut.
Not having as much sex as you used to can be the result of a lot of things, really, but a lot of it simply boils down to a lack of excitement with the same old thing. When you get bored with what you already have, you start to think a lot more about what you don't have.
The root of my friend's problem is, clearly, that things have become a bit stale and their sex life is suffering for it. Even if that isn't your problem, chances are that boredom with the status quo of your relationship is causing your issue.
Even if you fuck twice a day, every day, you're going to get bored if you always go through the same motions. You might go out together three times a week, but if it's to the same three places, things are gonna get stale.
Lesson 4: This is a sign you need to shake things up in a major way!Don't Let A Good Crisis Go To Waste
Most problems become more manageable once you find a way to flip the script and view an apparent obstacle as an obvious opportunity. My buddy got so wrapped up in his guilt and concern for his relationship that he failed to see the opportunity this problem was affording him.
Here was a perfect reason and opportunity to get together with his partner and clear the air. When a couple talks about their concerns and disappointments, they are also opening up the chance to renegotiate the terms of their arrangement and search for new ways to make each other happy.
Once you have everything on the table, you can sort through it and toss out what isn't working, and further develop those things that keep you together.
Lesson 5: The problem isn't your problem. Your problem is how you look at your problems.
Put It All On The Table
When you discuss this issue with your partner, be sure to address the things you both feel are missing from your relationship. Chances are, you haven't been completely honest with each other about your sexual fantasies and kinks.
You might be surprised to find that your partner is into that same kinky thing that you were too embarrassed to tell them about. At the very least, they will probably be willing to explore those things with you if they are a good partner. Likewise, your partner might not be the sexual dynamo in the sack they could be because some kink of their own isn't being catered to.Being open with each other about what turns you on will open up whole new avenues of exploration and intimacy that might have been eluding you and, over time, add up to general dissatisfaction in the bedroom.
Lesson 6: Sometimes boredom is a symptom of unaddressed sexual needs.
Now we come to the fun part: finding new ways to turn each other on! Take what you learned about each other and start to explore those sexual desires that have gone unaddressed, but also look for new ways to have fun together.There are plenty of things you can do to shake things up. You might consider banging in new and interesting places, getting some toys to fool around with, focusing less on penetrative sex and more on sensual touch and mutual masturbation, or even bringing new sexual partners into the mix.
If your partner mentioned even a passing interest in BDSM, get some restraints and see what happens! If your partner sheepishly admits that they have always wanted to be gangbanged, consider making that happen for them!
As scary as some of that stuff sounds, if you are both adults about it all and work from a place of honesty and genuine affection for one another, you should be able to safely explore any fantasies together without endangering your relationship.
If you're bored with the same old thing, it might be time to get freaky AF!
Lesson 7: The only way to expand your horizons is to push your boundaries to the limit.
The Elephant In The Room
All of these lessons are well and good, but there is an obvious solution to the problem that is conspicuously absent: The Nuclear Option.
While I have full confidence that my buddy and his partner are gonna be fine and get through this, I also realize that some problems are unsolvable and the only way forward is to end things before they become worse.
If you talk to your partner and try to work through things and they aren't doing their part to improve the situation or even if your gut just tells you that there's no salvaging your relationship, your path is clear- It's time to call it quits.
Once you realize this is what needs to be done, you should just fucking get it over with ASAP. The longer you hold on to a dying relationship, the more pain you will cause yourself and your partner. The sooner you call it off, the sooner you can both heal and move on.
If you're both adults about it and play your cards right, you will still have an extremely close friend for life. Either way, do what you know needs to be done as soon as you reasonably can. There's no sense prolonging the painfully inevitable.