Gay Soulmates: 101
Gay soulmates. Some queer men can’t even utter those words from their botoxed lips without spitting out their current mimosa swig over brunch. “Do soulmates even exist in the gay world,” one friend asked me when I first talked about writing the concept for this piece, like some far off kingdom he knew little about or some unobtainable heterosexual normative he couldn’t grasp the reality for. Brace yourself, my little gays: because gay men can and indeed do have soulmates. Once you’ve taken time to fully digest that sentence, we can proceed with unraveling this often vexing ideology.
Like many kweens, I have had my fair share of hoeing days under my belt. With the advent of PrEP, and access to some of the best men’s health facilities that California can offer, I have had hundreds of trysts at this point, and not one of them turned out to be my life partner. With these odds, how can anyone be so overtly convinced of a concept he mightn’t have even come in contact with, himself? I know, dear gents, because I have personally seen soul-mating amongst us gays in person, in the flesh, right before my very eyes. It is possible for two men to spend the rest of their lives together in bliss.
Men are biologically designed to spread our seed. Because we have no consequences other than contracting the latest edition of syphilis, gay men have a tendency to maintain a solid and substantial sex life, devoid of the responsibility of getting the other one pregnant—no matter how hard we try! Because of our innate nature to shack up and spread our DNA everywhere, it’s easy for queer guys to fall into the trap of rampant one night stands and never finding a substantial relationship. This is a principal reason depression is so common in the gay community: we’re all really looking for love, but we settle for finding Mr. Right Now when its more convenient to get off than it is to actually invest any time in getting to know a guy.
Gay men also often struggle with the “grass is greener on the other side” syndrome when it comes to finding and getting a partner. A lot of gay men have taken to molding and perfecting their bodies into muscular Stepford Husband adonis physiques, and lust after men who fit their preconceived ideal of a muscle hunk super hero stud they’re looking to make their boyfriends. Unfair and unhealthy standards lead a lot of men to feel insecure with their own bodies, and therefore lacking the assertiveness and confidence to ask these super hotties out. So, everyone ends up going home alone at the end of the night.
I digress, but you shouldn’t look at the above as a further deterrent for putting yourself out there in the dating meat market. As I said in the beginning, I am a firm believe of the gay soulmate, and it is possible to find the one true love of your homo life. But how, pray tell, will you know you have found your soulmate when he comes knocking at the door?
Here are some signs you have found your one true gay soulmate.
You get a feeling inside of you that tells you he is the one.
Love is a funny thing, and it's often best to trust your instincts to let you know whether or not you’ve found your life partner. That urge to be near them. That desire to talk to them all the time. And that gut feeling you’ve got in your stomach that tells you that you want to spend the rest of your life with this person are the biggest indicators of this gut feeling. In short: you just know.
He is the yin to your yang...
The best power couples are two people that can come together with their own unique and independent lives and “empires” to form one incredible life and existence together. Soulmates compliment each other and each has their own strengths and weaknesses they bring to the table.
You push one another to be the best versions of yourselves that you both can be. A soulmate is someone who wants the very best outcome for you, so they inspire you to reach for the stars and do the same for themselves. Soulmates don’t compete with each other. They help their partners aim for the goals and achieve them, together.
You can be yourself in front of your guy, at all times. The best relationships are when the guys don’t have to be putting on any type of front all or some of the time. Because eventually, everyone’s true colors do indeed shine through. If you have to put on airs or feel like you can’t be yourself in front of your man, he probably isn’t the one you're going to marry and live out your long lives together with. Don’t change for anyone. Your soulmate partner should want to know the real you and encourage you to be yourself at all times.
The sex is hot...
Chemistry and biology are completely important. One of the greatest strengths of a solid partnership other than communication is having a healthy and solid sex life. Two gay men are going to want to shack up with other dudes: it’s in our nature, as stated above. Find yourself a man that you maintain an active and amazing sex life with, and neither of you will go looking for extracurricular hookups elsewhere. Constantly satisfying each other’s sexual needs is a big signify-er of a good healthy relationship and soulmatage.
You would do what it takes to keep your relationship together. You know that he is the one when you are willing to fight and claw to keep the two of you together—no matter what. Look, relationships take work and none of them are easy. But you know you’ve got yourself a keeper when you’re willing to put in the time, energy, and work to keep your love alive. If he isn’t worth fighting for, then he definitely is NOT your gay soulmate.
You have the same values. No two gay men are ever going to agree about every single little thing. The world would be a very boring place if this were the case. But it is important in identifying whether your boyfriend or partner is soulmate material that you both are on the same page morally. You need to understand one another's convictions, but also where each other stands their ground and becomes emotionally attached to values and traditions. It’s ok to be different and disagree from time to time. Just don’t compromise your beliefs for your partner or anyone, for that matter.
A big “ding ding ding” lightbulb moment is the realization in a relationship that you feel safe and secure with your partner. You know in your heart that you can trust your guy, and don’t have to worry about him straying or breaking your heart. Like that gut feeling of just “knowing” your guy is the “one,” the secureness in your relationship factor is not something you can plan out or hope for. It’s an internal knowledge that you just suddenly become aware of one day. But once you feel that feeling of security and trust in your relationship for the first time, there is nothing so romantic or thrilling.
You can’t stand being apart from one another for too long. Absence does truly make the heart grow fonder. And spending some significant swaths of time apart is not only healthy, but is also encouraged by this writer. However, you know you’re found the one when you can’t do much or be too far apart without missing one another like crazy. Yes, you don’t want to be that annoying ass friend who simply can not EVER show up anywhere without their boyfriend on their arm. A little bit of space and one on one time with friends is essential for maintaining healthy relationships with all parties involved. But a true sign of having found your true gay soul mate is the realization you just don’t want much distance between you.
He’s there for you—no matter what.
Life is messy sometimes. There is pain and death and accidents and mistakes along the way. No one’s life is perfect, and all of us are going to need a shoulder to cry on and someone we can depend on unconditionally for love and support. Your gay soulmate should meet these demands head on and without even thinking. Your gay soulmate is there for your when you need it most: through the good times, through the bad, and everything in between. A soulmate wants to be there for their partner, and you should want to be there and do the same for your guy. Once you’ve found someone who wants to meet you more than halfway, and be there for you no matter what life throws at you both, you’ll know then and only then, that you’ve found your gay soulmate.
And once you’ve found him, you’ll think anything is possible.